I had a much needed outing...

Goal: have a good day



I am just getting home from having a busy, some-what fun-filled two days with my mom. I left yesterday for my mom’s because I was hoping to see my sister as she was scheduled to travel down from Oakland, but she did not make it (that is another story).


Anyway, my mom and I spent last night taking a drive down the southern coast. She needed to debrief and I love the coast so it was a good fit. I was also able to show my mom two of my favorite places along the coast – one in Newport, the other in Laguna. Both of these areas are amazing! As with most beach cities, these cities house spectacular views of the ocean. They provide the perfect places to take a stroll, have a picnic, find inspiration, or cuddle with your boo. My mom was amazed an excited to learn of these new locations and vowed she would return.


In fact, she was so excited that we drove back out there today – she just HAD to see the view in the daytime! *hahahaha* It was cute. I, too, enjoyed the drive and the view.


After we finished the business of the day, we had dinner at CPK in Manhattan Beach. Both our meals were delicious and it was a great change of pace. *smile* Hours later, I am back at home in L.A. I am looking forward to being home tomorrow. There are a few calls I know I must make and I’ll do my best to face the business of the day. I will also hope to play my keyboard again. My keyboarding instruction book came in the mail and I am eager to use it as a guide.


I truly enjoyed getting out of the house, although I missed my sister. I am getting sooo used to being indoors these days that I forget how much I miss not being out. (I really don’t forget, I just play dumb. It’s easier for me to handle that way.) I am thankful for my much needed outing and can now make it until next week’s doctor’s appointment.

A wasted day - even for a framed girl!

Goal:  didn't have any today...

Today was an absolute bust!  After the dose of Vicodin kicked in this morning, I became sluggish, sleepy, an unexcited about the day. I was literally sitting on the couch ALL DAY!  I finally got off my booty at 7:45 PM, deciding enough was enough.  I took a shower in an effort to feel like I did SOMETHING today.  Although the shower felt nice, I have a serious headache and I feel kind of sick in the stomach.  I know its the Vicodin.  I just started retaking it a few days ago because I am running very low on my Tylenol 3.  I might need my dearest to do another med run.


Lacking energy really messed with my head.  I found myself falling back into that  dark place of fear, doubt, and uncertainty and I felt helpless.  I felt there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of that place.  

At the very least, I have now recorded this day.  I am also listening to my new Monica CD, Still Standing, which arrived today.  It is pretty nice thus far.  I'll let her tunes carry me off...

Now I am singing to the frame...

Goal: blog

I have felt guilty for missing two days of blogging, but I've been a little tired.  Yesterday, I took my morning meds before eating and I felt weird all day: foggy, light-headed, etc.

My keyboard actually arrived two days ago, which was exciting.  I opened it yesterday and found an on-line lesson guide to help me figure out what the heck I am suppose to do w/ it.  *hahahaha* (I took piano lessons when I was nine and never had the opportunity to finish them.  As I grew older, I didn't have the courage to pursue them - I'm over that now!)  I ordered some books from amazon, but they haven't arrived so I figured the internet could fill the void.

I found a few free lesson sites and I now know the number ad names of all fingers, the difference between moving up/down the keyboard, the name and locations of the keys, and how to play a rough version of the first 8 chords of Ode To Joy.  Hmmm...not bad.  Today, I am going to look up information about musical notes.

I also received feedback on the shows I submitted to my GM.  Although the quality was good, they weren't formatted correctly.  Who knew???  I have to add a few more commercials and cut the musical selection to 30 secs.  I'll probably rework those shows this weekend.

I did pin care and all looks/feels good with my leg.  I've been singing to it lately.  (No. It does not sing back.  *hahaaaha*)  The lyrics are as follows:

"Cartilage and bones, please fill in.

Cartilage and bones please fill in.

It may sound selfish, I know it's true,

But I want my leg back, yes, I do."

Have a great Saturday!!!

Happily Recording...

Goal: record, edit, and submit a show

I am a little out of it today.  I have had a light headache that has been with me most of the day.

I did meet my goal of the day.  After spending three hours recording and converting files, editing, and adjusting playback, I created a feature show worthy to be aired.  Using yousendit.com, I submitted my show for review.  I have not checked my email yet so I am not sure of the verdict, but I am proud of myself. 

I get such a rush after I put a show together!  A show begins as all these seperate tracks, either recorded or imputed in to the software, and it's up to you to make these tracks one flawless piece of work.  (I usually use two different softwares to complete my projects.) I usually get my inspiration after I record the script in front of me. It's not until I play the audio back two or three times that I pick up my inspiration for the song or commercial I will eventually add.  Once the song(s) and commercial(s) is/have been selected, I begin to hear in my my mind what I want the final sound to resemble: do I fade in?; do I fade out?; do I lower the volume?; etc. It really is an art form, requiring patience and an ear.

I am glad that I am finding my way back to working on these shows; if for no other reason than to keep my mind occupied with thoughts other than being fixed to a frame.  *haahaa* Eventually, I'll create a link to my website so people can hear the shows I create - that's actually a good idea.  Hmmm. Maybe a goal for tomorrow?????

And by the way, I am getting my music in for the day.  Today's selection: Jennifer Hudson.  I am listening to her as I blog.  *wink*

A delightfully framed day...

goal: wash linens

Today was exhausting!  (I already know that I will not be doing much movement tomorrow.)  Today, I stripped my bed and washed all the linen, not to mention I finished up another load of towels and sheets that were still in the washer.  Moving those items back and forth with the walker was no easy feet.  I worked to get the stuff cleaned because Mama Acey (my best friend's mom...aka...my second mom) was coming over to make my bed and deliver some groceries. (I feel guilty not being able to do some things, so I work hard to help when/how I can, but if I am no careful, I exhaust myself in the process.)

Once I stripped the bed, I laid all the new linen out so she would have easy access to everything.  When she arrived, she was like, "sit down!"  Everyone knows how difficult it is for me to ask for help.  (The b-word (burden) still haunts me.)  When everything was finished, we had an enjoyable visit, which was complete when my God-Father came over with seafood and pizza.  Talk about a variety of  food!  His stories  and antics about past relationships kept us laughing for a couple of hours.  At 69 years of age, he has had a very colorful life experience. 

It has been three hours since they left and after taking a much needed shower, I am now reflecting on what has been a delightful day.  I did not record anything today, but I did listen to music this morning and while showering.  I promise myself to inject music in my life everyday. 

Well,  that's it for tonight.  I'll probably research some stocks, check email, and finish another project I started a few days ago.  I am actually feeling tired and my foot is swollen so i don't know what I'll actually get done.  Good night...until tomorrow!

A Happy Monday Frame...

Goal: Record and edit one show


I hope your Monday was happy and lite.  I am happy to report that my spirits remain lifted and I continue to be focused on healing and keeping myself open to the music of the world.  *smiles*  As I am typing this blog, I have O'Bryan playing in the back ground.  He was a wonderful 80's crooner having hits such as, "You and I," "Together Always," and "Lady I Love You."  His music sends me back to the days of slow dancing at the high school dances.  Aww Man!  Those were the days...


My day started slow and I was a bit unenthused, so I wasn't sure if I would meet my goal.  Hwever, by five o'clock, I had recorded and edited a feature show ready to submit to my GM.  Yay!!!  Although it is only a 2-minute feature, I am excited to be finding my wings again.  You see my goal/dream in 2009 was to get certified in radio/broadcasting and begin working in the field.  In September of '09, I finished my training and recorded a demo.  (Although I learned a lot, I feel like the program left some things to be desired.) Anywho, I was accepted in a program at ARN that would provide more hands on training and possible advancement but then life stepped in and kicked my butt!


I was ready to throw in the towel, but my GM was and has been very supportive.  She encouraged me to not give up.  I have been feeling guilty for months because I hadn't had the motivation, desire, or drive to work on anything. Admittedly, depression got the best of me and I felt suspended in time--unable to move one way or the other.  Thankfully, I am starting to move.


I will not be presumptuous and say life is now perfect and I have no more worries/troubles/fears.  I am not a fool.  Realistically, my life is still a rollercoaster and I am not sure when this particular ride will end.  And yet, I am thankful that God has opened my ears allowing the music back in.  He has given my spirit some peace.


So, my goal has been met and my day was pretty good.  In fact, my BFGFL informed me that she and my God-son will be in town from April 15th - 19th! (They moved to Ohio in Sept. '09.)  She has been my best friend for 19 years and I miss her DEARLY!  I can't WAIT!

Moving this framed life along....

Goal: shower, listen to music, and try to record something


I am actually sitting at my desktop typing this blog.  It is relevant because I have been using my laptop since my surgery and my loved one bet that I would abandon my desktop now that I had a faster, newer, system in the laptop.  HaHa!  It just took time to get back to my baby, but I always knew I could never abandon her.  *smile*


I must admit, today has been emotionally light for me.  The heaviness which usually fills my heart has drfted by me; for that, I am truly thankful.  Although sleep was difficult to find last night, I didn't start the day wanting to sleep it away.  I made my regular breakast: two turkey patties, and english muffin, and mocha; took my meds; and watched a movie.  By one thirty, I was ready to take a much needed and longed for shower.  (Although the doctor cleared me to shower on Wednesday, I was still bleeding a lot from the area where the stiches were removed.  The techs advised me to wait a day or two.  I held out a little bit longer.)

Selecting Musiq to serenade me while showering, I began my hour showering process.  The shower was much needed and much enjoyed. *smile*  It is just something so therapuetic about water washing all the muck away.  Again, after showering, I felt lite and free.  (See my older blog regarding showering: http://fixedtoaframe-dsigma1922.blogspot.com/2010/02/showering-away-pain.html.)


Wanting to tackle life again, I started working on recording some feature shows to submit to my GM. It felt liberating and foreign recording again.  Even though I am working in the safety of my home, the butterflies have returned along with the doubtful questions: "Is my voice okay?;" "How was the delivery?;" "Should I do another take?" And yet, I feel like myself again.  I am not sure what will be completed tonight, but the victory lays in the fact that I am moving forward again.  Here's to Movement!

Framing it together with music

Goal: pin care and listen to MUSIC

Yes, today I continued on my path of rediscovering MUSIC!  After breakfast, pin care, and a morning movie, I moved back into the bedroom to lift my spirits with some tunes.  I first listened to a CD made by one of my ortho techs (thanks Tony!); it was a mixed CD complete with jazz, indie, and R&B.  That CD really put a positive vibe in the air.  While debating what to play next, I glanced over to right and, I SWEAR, I noticed my clock RADIO for then  first time in months!  (A RADIO has been an arm's reach from my bed since I positioned it there seven years ago, and I haven't thought to turn it on in two months -- what the hell????) After I tripping out for a few minutes,I turned it on and suddenly, the room was filled with my old friends:  Mary J. Blige, Luther Vandross, Stevie, Usher, and many others. Listening to music and surfing the internet -- feels like old times! *smiles*

It was four o'clock when I made my way into the kitchen.  I decided to make my spinach/crab dip.  Although this would take some effort, I would have more than enough for tonight and tomorrow.  A hefty portion of warm dip, tortilla chips, and something to drink will fill the tank every time.

It is now after 7 PM and I have eaten, watched a movie, and cat napped.  I have now made it back into the room, where I'll stay for the remainder of the evening.  I'll listen to some more  tunes and review my scripts for the feature shows I want to record next week. I feel like I am on the road to finding myself again. I hope my assessment is correct.  I'll just promise myself to take baby steps every day.  At the very least, I'll report my accomplishments or lack thereof in this blog.  

In all honesty, I am happy that I did not feel alone today.  Today, I heard the music and it caressed my heart.  Today I let the music in, tomorrow another day will begin.

Finding the music again...

Goal: do pin care



When I woke up this morning, I only had four things on my mind: fix breakfast, take pain meds, do my pin care, and get back in bed. As you can see, I had very low expectations for the day ahead. However, while watching television, I got inspired. (See, television isn’t ALL bad!) While watching Glitter (yes, the film that received horrible reviews from critics), I was inspired by the music from the film.


I know Glitter did not produce a grammy-winning soundtrack, but the movie featured one of my favorite artist, Mariah Carey. I love her voice, I am always moved by her story, and I think she is simply an awesome person. In fact, the only thing wrong with Glitter in my opinion is it was released as a feature film versus an HBO movie.


Anywho, while watching the movie, I found myself hearing music for the first time in a long time. It occurred to me that I have not been listening to music through-out this experience. I have not allowed myself the very thing that usually drives and guides me no matter what I am doing. As I sat listening to Mariah crooning on television, I was like, “Oh My God! I need to get back to basics. I need my music!”


After the movie went off, I made it back into the bedroom with two CDs in tow. Realizing ALL my Mariah Carey CDs are in my car which is parked in another city, I settled on Jagged Edge, The Hits. Jagged Edge has always had a smooth sound and this CD has all the songs I absolutely LOVE! When I popped the CD into my laptop, it was like being reconnected with an old flame. Hmmmmm. Music.


So I decided to get off my booty, and purchase a keyboard so I could bring my music to life. After two hours of surfing the net and reading reviews, and getting advice from two musicians, I purchased a Yamaha PSR-E223 61-Key Portable Keyboard from Guitar Center! Next week this time, I should have my new friend. I am truly excited because I researched keyboards almost a year ago but wasn’t too sure what I wanted. Now, I can challenge myself and put music to my lyrics. I know it won’t be easy, but I am ready!


After my purchase, I called the general manager at ARN-Anaheim and paid my outstanding fees for the feature shows I have not recorded. Speaking with her, I discovered I can still continue to record shows and work to submit them so I don’t lose my spot with the network. Great news all around! Now I have to find my scripts and get cracking.


As I stated earlier, I had very low expectations for the day but thankfully God had a different plan for me. I have been asking Him for direction and been praying for the ability to hear Him more clearly. Thank you God for hearing my prayers.

Reframing_Part 5

Goal: continue with new project…


I had yet another follow-up appointment yesterday and, for the first time, my appointment took less than 2 hours to complete. I couldn’t believe it! At 12: 15 (1 hour and 15 minutes after my appointment time), I was waving good bye to the techs and ready to leave. And by the way, my appointment went very well. My leg is still framed but is “on track” as far as the doctor is concerned. At this point, we are waiting for the bone to fill in. (Please fill in bone.) I have again been cleared to take showers and I am very thankful for that. I can/will cancel my home health nurse because I can clean my pins at this time and the struts no longer need to be rotated. As long as my leg continues to heal in its current position, the struts will not have to be changed. (Please stay in your current position.)

Although I like my nurse, I am glad that I can cancel home health and do some things on my own. Besides, I am only given 100 days per year of home health through my insurance, once they have been used, I would be billed $150.00 per visit. That’s too rich for my blood. At this rate, if something happens later, I can still access home health. (For the record, I am not planning for anything to happen.)

After mom and I left the doctor, we drove up the coast: Malibu, Camarillo, Ventura County! How I have missed the northern coast! I did not think mom would want to do this, but when she offered, it was cool. Once I moved to the back seat, so I could keep my leg elevated, it was an enjoyable drive for us both. I was excited to see the coast again, but it was a harsh reminder of how much I miss driving. I miss the ability to get up and drive the coast. And I am not saying this because I now regret not doing it, I actually miss driving the coast because I did it a lot!

Reminder: Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today because tomorrow may never come or it may come too late.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day. Today I took it easy. My uncle came over today and we had a nice visit. I hadn’t seen him in a year. Life. Wait a minute, where was I? Today was good. It is almost 5:30 p.m. I’ll continue to work on my project tonight (I’ll share more about this later) and watch Flash Forward. Until tomorrow!

Is my deepest fear coming to life?

Goal: I am back to basics...let's just wake up and everything else is gravy.
I am starting to feel sorry for myself and it is not a great feeling. I am also feeling lost and very uncertain about who I am or who I will become after my frame comes off. Will I be independent again or is this a glimpse of what the rest of my life will be: homebound and constantly dependent on others? I know this may sound extreme, but after 27 years of fighting to maintain independence, it is scary when the day comes that your independent lifestyle is now in question.


Being diagnosed with CMT at nine, I was always made aware that my life would never be “normal.” In reality, most doctors could not tell me and my family what to expect or how things would manifest. Although we were given a general overview of the disease, the actual arrival and appearance of symptoms were always an uncomfortable surprise. Doctors, although supportive, would then prepare us for the worse and suggest what I may not be able to do, but at nine, who truly wants to always live by orders other than your parents’? For even their orders, we sometimes don’t want to follow. *wink*


My success in life has been a direct result of always doing what others (mostly doctors) said I would not be able to do. (Thankfully, my mom always supported my zest for life and was my accomplice for many, not all, of my endeavors.) I always prided myself on being a mover and shaker and being able to stand tall in the face of my physical adversity. But today, at this moment, I no longer feel like that woman.


This entire ordeal, including initial injury, cast, surgery, and now framed sentence time, has a running time of six months, two weeks, and counting. This entire ordeal has truly/ is truly wearing me out!!!!!


My biggest worry has always been being a burden to those whom I love and I fear that is what I have become. I fear that I will lose the one whom I love because I will now be seen as “damaged goods.” I fear that despite all the pushing I’ve done to not become impoverished and dependent, my life may be heading in that very direction.


I feel alone, afraid, week, and vulnerable, but who do I really tell that to and who will really hear me anyway?

Washing of the hair

Goal: wash hair



Have you ever done something that, once finished, you felt fresh, light, and free? Washing my hair today left me feeling those exact things. I am very thankful to my nurse for actually washing my hair out. I was prepared to go it alone, but her assistance was right on time. I am getting my hair braided again tomorrow which, I hope, will once again lift my spirits.


I am usually the woman who has a standing hair appointment every two weeks: wash, condition, flat iron, and eye wax. I do not consider myself high maintenance, but I value keeping my hair looking great. It might be a bit different if I were physically able to curl, heat, or style my hair, but since I am unable, I don’t mind paying to give it the attention it (and I) so deserve. I believe everyone deserves to pamper themselves with something, and for me, it’s my hair.


Like I said, I am getting my hair braided tomorrow. For me, a fresh hair-do equals a fresh beginning. It’s like a new beginning, new possibilities, and all that jazz. I am hoping these new braids will see me through the end of my fixed ordeal. I know I will have months of physical therapy, but my braids will come out when the pins and frame come out. I just needed a fresh set of braids to guide me through this final stretch. Six weeks have been added to my framed sentence and I pray for the day when it is finally over. Here’s to a fresh start!

Twelve weeks and counting...

Goal:  make breakfast

My mind is a little all over the place today so I thought it best to simply do a picture blog today.  I can't believe today marks twelve weeks that I have been fixed to a frame.  Maybe these pictures are a way to remind me how far I've come.

Area view of leg during wound care.

Shariff (Ortho tech) doing pin care.  (Shariff has a great technique.)

 

Dr. Ogawa and assistant changing out strouts on my frame.  (Yes, I am blogging while in the exam room.)

Jaime, me,  and Dameon. Jaime and D applied my very first cast on October 30th, 2009.  I appreciate the comfort and support they show me during my doctor's appointments.

It got better an hour at a time...

173..176



Goal: pay bills, act like I am amongst the living


I did not wake up in the best spirits today – thankfully, the day got better.


Although I slept well last night, I awoke feeling drained and beat down. My dearest brought me breakfast this morning and I was thankful for something different heating the pallet, but that didn’t even move me out of my state. When my nurse arrived (3 hours later), I was half asleep and moody. Today, I just wanted her in and out -- nothing personal!


My disposition changed when I moved back into the bed room. Although I wanted to go back to sleep, I decided to pay bills and re-enter the living. Paying bills and handling additional business kept me busy for a few hours. I was actually pleased when I realized the four o’ clock hour had quickly moved upon me. A few phone conversations later, it was six o’ clock, and the day was over. I had survived yet another day. *smile*


I’ve been meaning to add more pictures to my blog, so tonight I will. I actually have a few with me smiling while wearing my frame. Hard to believe, but true.

This is me in waiting room @ Kaiser.

This is me and Tony (ortho tech). (Sorry. Every picture can't be cute!)

My Wish

Goal: Do I even remember what a goal is these days?



I told my best friend I would blog tonight, and I try to keep my word. I also said I would do a picture blog, but I’m lazy and will work to do a picture blog tomorrow. I have been a little down on myself because I have no motivation to do some of the things I KNOW I should be working on: feature spots, voice work, etc. When I think about the expectations I had for myself versus my current reality, I lose focus and become discouraged.


AS I have stated in previous blogs, this is not the first time your girl has been down due to a physical situation. My entire life has been one uphill battle after another – and I am just tired of the uphill journeys. I know I am blessed in many ways and I KNOW there are others in worse shape than I, but I still want my break.


I wish for the day where I don’t have to wake up thinking about my disorder. I wish for a 20 year stretch in which I can be foot loose and fancy free. I want to be the person who doesn’t know the inner workings of hospital rooms, x-ray machines, blood test, ultrasounds (not because I’m pregnant), casting rooms, etc. I want to live in bliss because of my ignorance to all the above. I want to be free from physical pain.


I realize this blog sounds selfish, but this is my wish. I am tired of the battle and tired of having to be the “nice patient,” or the “good patient.” I want to be the girl with no care in the world. Does anyone have a Magic Genie????

Reframing_Part 4

Goal: what goal????



I returned home 24 hours ago following my second surgery. Prognosis: I will be in the frame for two more, long, tiring months. Ugh! Dr. Ogawa explained that he placed a screw inside my ankle bone to keep it in place and he manually positioned my leg/foot to its proper angle. The up side of it all is, my leg/foot has a chance to now heal as is. If my leg/foot heals in this matter, we will no longer have to rotate struts on a daily basis.


My prayer: I wish my body to return to its original state of being. I wish my leg back to a state of being before the hurt and pain came its way. I love my body (my leg/foot/etc.) and wish it peace.