Is my deepest fear coming to life?

Goal: I am back to basics...let's just wake up and everything else is gravy.
I am starting to feel sorry for myself and it is not a great feeling. I am also feeling lost and very uncertain about who I am or who I will become after my frame comes off. Will I be independent again or is this a glimpse of what the rest of my life will be: homebound and constantly dependent on others? I know this may sound extreme, but after 27 years of fighting to maintain independence, it is scary when the day comes that your independent lifestyle is now in question.


Being diagnosed with CMT at nine, I was always made aware that my life would never be “normal.” In reality, most doctors could not tell me and my family what to expect or how things would manifest. Although we were given a general overview of the disease, the actual arrival and appearance of symptoms were always an uncomfortable surprise. Doctors, although supportive, would then prepare us for the worse and suggest what I may not be able to do, but at nine, who truly wants to always live by orders other than your parents’? For even their orders, we sometimes don’t want to follow. *wink*


My success in life has been a direct result of always doing what others (mostly doctors) said I would not be able to do. (Thankfully, my mom always supported my zest for life and was my accomplice for many, not all, of my endeavors.) I always prided myself on being a mover and shaker and being able to stand tall in the face of my physical adversity. But today, at this moment, I no longer feel like that woman.


This entire ordeal, including initial injury, cast, surgery, and now framed sentence time, has a running time of six months, two weeks, and counting. This entire ordeal has truly/ is truly wearing me out!!!!!


My biggest worry has always been being a burden to those whom I love and I fear that is what I have become. I fear that I will lose the one whom I love because I will now be seen as “damaged goods.” I fear that despite all the pushing I’ve done to not become impoverished and dependent, my life may be heading in that very direction.


I feel alone, afraid, week, and vulnerable, but who do I really tell that to and who will really hear me anyway?