It's OFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven days ago, my external frame was removed.  After five months and three days, my frame was removed - so why don't I feel happy?????

I have struggled emotionally this past week, hence a week without blogging.  Although I AM excited to have that heavy piece of plastic and metal off and out of my leg, I am fearful about my future self.  Can this happen to me again?

I know I am sounding like a broken record, as I've questioned my future before, but I am unable to shake this feeling.  

My doctor was very positive and reassuring regarding my healing process.  He is happy that I am willing to move at a conservative pace as I am wearing a walking cast for two weeks.  (My doctor was going to put me in something less supportive, enabling me to easily shower.)  I figure, after five months of hell, why would I rush the process now.  Really?  Now?  I don't think so.

I have to work my feelings out regarding everything I am going through.  I know this is not the end, but the beginning of the next phase of  my life.  I simply ask that God continue to guide me and direct me through this journey.

A Little Sad Today...

Today I am sad.  No one, particular incident occurred which I can blame for my state of mind, yet and still, I am sad today.

Part of me feels I should be happier since Friday will mark the removal of this frame, (I am claiming removal in the name of Jesus, Amen.) however, I can't find happiness at this moment.  Maybe I am thinking of all the things I now wish for my life, causing another level of sadness.  Maybe it's because I know I will have to release some things and some people in order to move forward, and knowing this makes me feel sad.  Maybe it's my anticipation for Friday - maybe.

In truth, I maybe sad because I am thinking of a future for myself and I still see myself alone.  I know that a relationship/marriage is not a fix all for life's unexpected turns, but now, more than ever before, I have a true desire to not walk through life alone.

I know Dearest is currently in my life, and for him I am thankful, however I am uncertain if there is a future with him.  He has walked this journey with me.  For five months, he has showed up - even when I didn't want him to.  We have shared laughs, I have shared some fears, and he has also wiped away my tears; for five months God granted me a shoulder to lean on.  If things could continue to be that simple, maybe I would be okay.  But, like most things in my life, things are not that simple.

I know God knows my heart, my desires, and my prayers.  I am looking forward to moving forward, I just know I need guidance and direction from above because I don't want to be sad anymore.

Five months and counting...

Today marked five months that I've been fixed to a frame!  I can't believe I am still fixed, but Lord willing, my ordeal will be over Friday.  It is late and I am drained, so I can't express all that I am feeling on this day, but know this experience has changed my life!

A future in fear....

I am sitting here listening to Mint Condition (HOT R&B group with various hits going back to the 80's) and thinking how I have four more days until my next surgical procedure.  As cool as I am working to be in the midst of all that is happening, I continue to find myself  anxious - not about surgery, but about the future me.

The "future me," hmmm.  Through-out this situation/process/experience, I feel as if I've lost a piece of myself.  I am not sure if I feel I've lost security in self, a sense of always being mobile, or if I've lost a sense of my free spirit.  I guess I just figured it out, I've lost a sense of my free spirit - the belief that I can still do most things.

 

Prior to this experience, I was a cautious person, simply because I knew I was vulnerable to falling and I had already had my share of negative experiences - things I truly did not want to repeat.  However, I don't think I lived in a fearful state, I was cautious but not fearful.  In truth, my biggest fear prior to this experience was walking/getting around when raining and although still difficult at times, I had made adjustments. (Rain was a key element involved the day I fractured my hip seven and a half years ago so rain has been an issue for me since that day.)  And yet today, I have a sense of fear about how I will look, develop, and evolve physically in the future.

With all that I warned about regarding Charcot-Marie-Tooth-Syndrome, a dislocated ankle, also known as Charcot Foot, was the one thing I was NEVER warned about.  And now, after reading of the symptoms and going through this experience, I worry daily about the right side of my body.   I worry daily that my body will give away again, and if that happens, what will happen to me???

Through-out this process, being alone has taken on an entirely different meaning for me.  My younger self never imagined I would not be married/with family at 36, and yet, that sums up a significant piece of my life.  Scary - very scary. 

Floating thoughts...

Today, I find it difficult to blog because I have so many thoughts floating around: Friday's outcome; my future mobility; my future employment; and the ability to continue pursuing my dream.  As the day ticked away, I found myself in a weird trance-like state.  I don't think I was stuck in sadness, but I truly don't know which other word to use.  Being fixed to a frame for five months places so much stuff on your heart.  I find that I have all these desires but am unable to pursue them because of the state I am in.  Now that this phase of my journey may be over, I worry about re-claiming the  life I once had, and in truth, I want to make my life better.

I know that there is a purpose for my life and a future not yet  known to me.  I just ask God to allow me to hear His voice as he provides me direction to find it.

Emotional Roller Coaster...

Yesterday was an exhausting day emotionally.  I was tense all morning as I awaited my doctor's decision about progressing with surgery to remove the frame from my left leg - I was a MESS!!!

 

I cried when the doctor said he would move forward with the surgery scheduled for Friday, May 21st.  I cried tears of joy at the fact that this phase of my life might be over in seven days - SEVEN DAYS!!!  I exhaled as I cried while sitting on the exam table.  For the first time in months, I felt RELIEF.

However, as always, my visit was not simple and straight forward.  I was cautioned that while under anesthesia, my leg will be examined, checking bone strength and stability.  If my bone is as strong as it appears on the x-ray, the frame will be removed and I will move into a splint until my pin sites close. If, however, my bone is  not, the frame will be revised and I will stay in it for a while longer.  I PRAY FOR TOTAL REMOVAL!!!!

Knowing God is in control of all things, I feel a little less anxious today.  I am always nervous about having surgery - I get emotional just thinking about it - but I feel/believe that this phase will be over in seven days.  I'm a very emotional person, in case I never stated this fact, so I know my mood will vary over the next several days.  However, I  will work to keep two facts in mind: "God meets your needs;" and "I am healed in Jesus' name." Amen...AMen...AMEN!!!

In Anticipation...

Goal: shower, pack, prepare to go to mom's house

I am ready to go off w/ my mom again as I have another doctor's appointment in the morning.  I am working on staying positive, allowing nothing to way my spirits down, for tomorrow I await the verdict: removal surgery - yes or no.

As I look at my leg, I feel it is time to remove this frame.  I feel it is time to move into the next phase of recovery.  I have my pain under control and have been able to walk on the bottom of my foot for a week w/out discomfort.  I feel God has favor upon me and will allow this phase of my journey to come to an end.

"Lord, I come to you asking forgiveness.  I come seeking your mercy and strength. I ask that my healing be complete for this frame to be removed. I ask for mental help so I can continue to process the events as they unfold before me.   I ask that you hold me in your favor, letting your will be done.  In Jesus' name, Amen."