Goal: shower and get ready to go to my mom's
Tomorrow is another doctor's appt. I get so anxious about them because I never know what the outcome will be. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but this situation brings that characteristic out in me. I've had my hopes up before they came crashing down so I just wait and hope and pray for the best.
I usually try not to talk about the stuff I miss on the outside, but I have been thinking about the outside world a lot lately. It's not that I am tied up, trapped in a room, but it sure feels that way. I am so used to getting out, being apart of life. I try not to let life pass me by. And yet, I have been forced to take a hiatus. I am thankful for my computers, the internet, my keyboard, the phone, and those who drop by, but, even still, there are many days I wish I could just hop in my car and drive...anywhere!
Being independent, having the ability to get around, is something I've never taken lightly. When I was younger, it was thought that I might be always dependent on others. With a little fight and much effort, I am glad to say dependence on others has not been my norm in life. So when I do have extended periods in life in which my body decides to do its own thing, I feel so helpless and hate feeling like a burden. And then I go to this negative place, "Who would want me now???" I am not married, no children, and feel like I am just floating out there. God has placed people in my life I can call on, for which I am TRULY thankful, but that feeling of being a burden is never far behind.
My dad called me a burden when I was about twelve and it has stayed with me. I have worked on this issue, but being physically impaired puts me back in that negative space. It's a trip.
No comments:
Post a Comment