The "B-word"

Goal: shower and get ready to go to my mom's

Tomorrow is another doctor's appt.  I get so anxious about them because I never know what the outcome will be.  I don't mean to be pessimistic, but this situation brings that characteristic out in me.  I've had my hopes up before they came crashing down so I just wait and hope and pray for the best.

I usually try not to talk about the stuff I miss on the outside, but I have been thinking about the outside world a lot lately.  It's not that I am tied up, trapped in a room, but it sure feels that way.  I am so used to getting out, being apart of life.  I try not to let life pass me by.  And yet, I have been forced to take a hiatus.  I am thankful for my computers, the internet, my keyboard, the phone, and those who drop by, but, even still, there are many days I wish I could just hop in my car and drive...anywhere!

Being independent, having the ability to get around, is something I've never taken lightly.  When I was younger, it was thought that I might be always dependent on others.  With a little fight and much effort, I am glad to say dependence on others has not been my norm in life.  So when I do have extended periods in life in which my body decides to do its own thing, I feel so helpless and hate feeling like a burden.  And then I go to this negative place, "Who would want me now???"  I am not  married, no children, and feel like I am just floating out there.  God has placed people in my  life I can call on, for which I am TRULY thankful, but that feeling of being a burden is never far behind.

My dad called me a burden when I was about twelve and it has stayed with me.  I have worked on this issue, but being physically impaired puts me back in that negative space.   It's a trip. 

Whew.  I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now.  I think I am just scared about tomorrow, the future, when this ordeal will come to an end.  My best friend's husband always reminds me that there is a beginning and an end to everything--I am ready for this to end.

Showering away the pain...

Goal: take a shower, let the hurt go, blog


Based on last night’s conversation wit my doctor, he is certain I do not have an infection at this time. He did inform me that the additional draining is due to the wire shifting under the skin since we are rotating the bone. Really??? (It’s these types of things one needs some advance notice about…gee, thanks!) I am glad to know an infection has not set in, but now we must watch my temp more closely and the pin site has to be wrapped again on a daily basis. (Sorry Bridgette; this means a litte more work for you during your daily visits.)


My shower this morning was nice and relaxing. I enjoy the feel of water cascading down my body. Once I am safely in place on my shower chair, I have no intentions of hurrying out of the shower. *smile* Since I am not showering daily, I appreciate this luxury so much more. When I am able to step into the shower, I am washing away the grit, pain, and sorrow of yesterday. I am saying to myslelf and my body, “Today is a new day. You are okay today.” (These are powerful words to hear and feel when you are down for the count.) Taking a shower, these days, is my way of letting go of the pain.


It’s crazy what type of coping mechanisms one can develop just to survive a 24-hour period. (For those just joining, a 24-hour period is all I plan for at this period in my life.) When I was in graduate school, a classmate, who later became one of my best girl friends, and I laughed hysterically about a coping mechanism we had in common: the couch.


The couch symbolized a safe place: you can curl up on it, it’s usually soft and comfortable, it’s stable, and it’s made for you to sit/lay on it until you are ready to get off. The couch never leaves you and doesn’t talk back; depending on how old it is, you sometimes create a dent, giving signature to your personal seat on the couch. (I am sitting on my couch typing this blog.) The couch…*smile*


Like the couch, showering is becoming a much needed coping mechanism. When I wake up unable to feel, I head for the shower. As taking a shower is also a true task these days, it also gives me a true sense of accomplishment once I have taken it. With the frame, the pain, and the energy it takes to get into position, it’s amazing that I even WANT to do it. Not to mention, after I have showered, I have to blow dry my frame for approximately 10 minutes, making sure all pin sites are dry. However, after all is said and done, I feel “so fresh and so clean,clean.” (LOL . That is taken from some song. *smile*)


Today, I showered. Today, I let go of some of the hurt I was holding onto. Today, I am still uncertain and unsure, but I did not cry today. Today, I asked God to open my heart so joy could find me once more. Today, I was able to say thank you for the love I recognize to be in my life. Today, I feel. Today, I showered.

Reframing_Part 2

Goal: Make it through doctor’s appointment



First of all, I am happy to be blogging again. On saturday night, febuary 6th, my internet explorer stopped working. I tried to install all the updates, tried all the troubleshooting options, but nothing helped. On top of that, I was mad at myself because I did not download a secondary browser…man!!! On Sunday, I re-installed Windows, which blew off all previous settings and downloads because my back-up did not take (of course I didn’t know this until later)! After all off that, I still had to have my mom carry me to Fry’s because my computer still didn’t want to run properly. Agggh!


After the associate downloaded both firefox and google chrome (browsers), I took the computer home for a test run. Thankfully, my system seemed to be back to normal. It took me two more days to add my software and get some security guards (???) on the system; what a week! I am, framed to technology…love it when it works…feel lost without it…and can’t remember what life was like before it.


Today, I had another doctor’s appointment. Verdict: all is going as planned. Dr. Ogawa ran a new recipe that I must follow for 14 days. My foot is almost aligned to what is considered “walking position.” My pins continue to be clear of infection and there are no additional fractures in the bone. By all standards, life should be good – key phrase, “should be.”


No one warned me about the SEVERE knee pain I would experience due to this frame. As the doctor is using this frame to rotate my bones, it is seriously affecting my knee. If my knee is bent for longer than 10 minutes, it hurts like hell to get up. It’s a ligament, joint, bone pain that is indescribable. The pain brings me to tears you guys.


I first experienced this pain in week 2. At that time, there was actual water on the knee and it was aspirated. I felt better after week 3 and all seemed stable. However, the pain started up again last week and has gotten increasingly worse…I swear I see stars when I stand up! I was given a new knee brace today and my doctor told me to combine Vicodin and Ibuprofin. I’ll try anything at this point.


I felt bad for my mom because she surprised me with a Red Velvet cake for Valentine’s Day and I could not get excited. Although I was thankful, I had just walked in the house and my pain level was at its highest level…I could find no joy. If you are reading mom, thanks for the cake! *smile*

Faith-in-Frame

Goal: wash face, brush teeth, make spinach/crab dip, blog, and maybe try the shower.



I am glad to see another Friday as they are the anniversary days of my surgery. Today marks seven weeks of being fixed to a frame. *smile* I smile because six weeks ago today, Christmas Day to be exact, I didn’t think I was going to make it. My running thought was suicide. (I prayed for the day to go home so I could die.) Every night I thought of taking 13, 14, 15 pills to “numb” the pain and put me in that deep sleep I so desired. I just could not do it at my mom’s house. I did not want her to be haunted by that.


In truth, being under my mom for three weeks saved my life. As the days moved forward and my energy started to return, I really wanted to get home, but I had no longer had the desire to die. I wasn’t sure how I was going to live, but I was eager to give it another try. I was eager to feel my bed again, have my boo hold me again, watch my tv, sit on my couch, smell my smells , take a shower, see my clothes, touch my things, drive again, and travel again – I was eager to meet Denedria again.


Now, seven weeks in, I continue to rediscover myself. Many days I feel like a fake because I can’t seem to match the me before the frame to the me of today. I know my outlook will change over time as it always does, but this time my hidden fears seem to be more dominate and not easily shaken. More than anything, I am afraid that there is a permanent crack in my independent nature.


I also feel phony because I haven’t been able to pray since the surgery. (I tried once, but it felt so foreign.) So many people have held me in their prayers, and yet, I haven’t been able to it for myself. In truth, I haven’t had a church home in years, but my faith in God has remained strong. I know that it is because of Him that I am here and continue to be, but even as I am typing this, I believe this more with my head than with my heart. I have truly lost something and am struggling to get it back.


I know I need to find a church home, someplace where I feel safe and accepted. A safe place, yes, that is what I need. Any suggestions???? I need, above all else, to stop walking in fear, but I need guidance. I may also go back to counseling. One thing I do know; I can’t social work myself! I process things very well but even social workers need to know when they have hit a brick wall – “Hello wall.”

Still Framed...

Goal: brush teeth, wash face, make a mocha, and blog.



Today has been a slow moving day for me, and it is not all due to my having a long day yesterday. The first thirty minutes of my day truly color how my day will unfold: will it be one to rejoice in or one I sleep away? Today, I feel like sleeping.


At times, the frame is like a cage, a part of my body is entrapped, with no means to escape. And although I know it to be there, I sometimes forget and want to break free. This is a very common feeling when I wake up in the morning. When sleep finds me, I usually sleep sound. Despite the dreams, nightmares, or on rare occasions, the silence, I will drift to a place where I forget reality, and when I awake, I sometimes forget where I am and that I am still framed.


That first under-the-cover-stretch is usually what gets to me. (You know what I am talking about: when your eyes first pop open and you stretch or move your legs under the covers to get the circulation moving before you hop/pop up to turn on the television or get out of the bed.) In that brief, early A.M. moment, I freak because I can’t move my left leg. Not only are the covers caught on it, but it’s weighted down and I feel pain. When I raise my head to see what’s the matter, the visual brings me back to reality – I have to deal with this sh** again. Dang!


And then my reality hits: walker to the left of the bed, need to put on right leg brace before I can make it safely to the bathroom, muster up will to get up and go to the bathroom, should brush teeth and wash face, and the nurse will be here between 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. to clean pins and rotate struts. This is the constant in which I now reside. The variety comes when I sleep at my mom’s home once a week. The difference – no A.M. nurse, I have a doctor’s appointment.


The highlights these days are making my homemade mochas: milk, ice, mocha mix, and blend. I do this every morning. I love my homemade mochas and I use to make them every morning to drink on my way to work. They taste great and always made me feel good, and Lord knows I need to feel good these days. Besides, milk does a body good and my mocha mix is 99.9% caffeine free, so there. This is why I went to Smart-and-Final before moving back home and purchased three cans of mocha mix, two large bags of ice, and two more packs of 20-ounce foam cups (I already had plenty of lids and straws). I know I am not living “green,” but I need to be spill proof at this time.


(I know my life is upside down because I am blogging about my mocha – Oh Lord! Now do you understand why I want to sleep the day away???)