I was taken for a loop today at, what i thought, would be another simple, yet time consuming follow-up appointment. The first thing my doctor said when he walked in was, "We have a lot to talk about today." It wasn't what he said that alarmed me, it was HOW he said it. At that moment, I knew something was wrong.
Because my bones are so soft, another bone has shifted out of its socket due to all the rotating that is being done. Although my left foot is now aligned appropriately, the foot will not heal properly with this bone out of place. Conclusion: I have to have surgery on WEDNESDAY! My doctor lost me at, "...your bone is out of socket." I am pissed!
Points to be grateful for: this won't set me back time wise, i am not in jeopordy of losing my foot (yet), surgery should not be long, my foot/leg will heal correctly.
Points of distress: ANOTHER surgery, financial issues, i have to be cut open again, i DO NOT handle surgery well, my poor foot/leg will have new wounds that will need to heal.
I cried like a baby - I cried and cried and cried. This took me for a loop - turned EVERYTHING upside down and i have yet to find solid ground again.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Bad day with a frame
goal: brush teeth, wash face
my frame is eight weeks old today, and you think i would feel some sense of happiness, but i don't. i'm sad. today has not been the best and i don't even have some words to make sense of how i feel. i hope i will be lighter tomorrow...goodnight.
my frame is eight weeks old today, and you think i would feel some sense of happiness, but i don't. i'm sad. today has not been the best and i don't even have some words to make sense of how i feel. i hope i will be lighter tomorrow...goodnight.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Finding Balance
Goal: wash face, brush teeth, blog, order groceries
I seem to be making it through yet another 24-hour period. My day has not been filled with hope, and it has not been full of sadness – somehow, there is balance in that.
I’ve been trying like hell not to complain about my situation because I know complaining will not do a lick of good. In fact, complaining will drain me, causing me to crawl in the bed, pull the covers over my head, and not emerge for a few days. Hmmm. I don’t think complaining will work in my benefit this time.
Today, I decided to order a television series that was popular during my childhood: What’s Happening? I already have the first season and I have one more disc to watch. Since watching the series on DVD, I was reminded how much I enjoyed the characters Raj, Dwayne, Rerun, and Shirley. And who can forget the Dee; always making money off her brother Raj? The show revolved around high school days and hanging out with friends – how can you go wrong with that? Anyway, I ordered seasons two and three, sprang for overnight delivery, and am looking forward to watching the ole’ gang through-out the weekend. (Wait a minute! Did I just make plans??? What happened to my living in 24-hour segments? Could I be moving into a new phase – naw!)
Oh yeah, I also ordered some groceries. They, too, will be delivered tomorrow. Food is not such a high priority on my list, but I know it is essential to my healing process. During normal circumstances, I enjoy cooking. I like coming up with new recipes and perfecting old ones. I enjoy cooking for myself as well as for others. I have these periods in which I go through my “Suzie-home-maker-phase.” When Suzie comes to town, I cook all the time. It’s fun when Suzie is around because you never know what creations I’ll come up with.
But Suzie isn’t here these days – I’m in survival mode. I cook very simple items: rice, chicken, open ready-made salads, eat cereal, and make mochas. The most elaborate dish I cook these days is my spinach/crab dip. This takes some effort, but I truly enjoy it and I can eat off of it for two days. Fruit is also high my list these days; good for me and easy to handle.
Movies + Food = Balance. Today there was balance. *smile*
I seem to be making it through yet another 24-hour period. My day has not been filled with hope, and it has not been full of sadness – somehow, there is balance in that.
I’ve been trying like hell not to complain about my situation because I know complaining will not do a lick of good. In fact, complaining will drain me, causing me to crawl in the bed, pull the covers over my head, and not emerge for a few days. Hmmm. I don’t think complaining will work in my benefit this time.
Today, I decided to order a television series that was popular during my childhood: What’s Happening? I already have the first season and I have one more disc to watch. Since watching the series on DVD, I was reminded how much I enjoyed the characters Raj, Dwayne, Rerun, and Shirley. And who can forget the Dee; always making money off her brother Raj? The show revolved around high school days and hanging out with friends – how can you go wrong with that? Anyway, I ordered seasons two and three, sprang for overnight delivery, and am looking forward to watching the ole’ gang through-out the weekend. (Wait a minute! Did I just make plans??? What happened to my living in 24-hour segments? Could I be moving into a new phase – naw!)
Oh yeah, I also ordered some groceries. They, too, will be delivered tomorrow. Food is not such a high priority on my list, but I know it is essential to my healing process. During normal circumstances, I enjoy cooking. I like coming up with new recipes and perfecting old ones. I enjoy cooking for myself as well as for others. I have these periods in which I go through my “Suzie-home-maker-phase.” When Suzie comes to town, I cook all the time. It’s fun when Suzie is around because you never know what creations I’ll come up with.
But Suzie isn’t here these days – I’m in survival mode. I cook very simple items: rice, chicken, open ready-made salads, eat cereal, and make mochas. The most elaborate dish I cook these days is my spinach/crab dip. This takes some effort, but I truly enjoy it and I can eat off of it for two days. Fruit is also high my list these days; good for me and easy to handle.
Movies + Food = Balance. Today there was balance. *smile*
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Showering away the pain...
Goal: take a shower, let the hurt go, blog
Based on last night’s conversation wit my doctor, he is certain I do not have an infection at this time. He did inform me that the additional draining is due to the wire shifting under the skin since we are rotating the bone. Really??? (It’s these types of things one needs some advance notice about…gee, thanks!) I am glad to know an infection has not set in, but now we must watch my temp more closely and the pin site has to be wrapped again on a daily basis. (Sorry Bridgette; this means a litte more work for you during your daily visits.)
My shower this morning was nice and relaxing. I enjoy the feel of water cascading down my body. Once I am safely in place on my shower chair, I have no intentions of hurrying out of the shower. *smile* Since I am not showering daily, I appreciate this luxury so much more. When I am able to step into the shower, I am washing away the grit, pain, and sorrow of yesterday. I am saying to myslelf and my body, “Today is a new day. You are okay today.” (These are powerful words to hear and feel when you are down for the count.) Taking a shower, these days, is my way of letting go of the pain.
It’s crazy what type of coping mechanisms one can develop just to survive a 24-hour period. (For those just joining, a 24-hour period is all I plan for at this period in my life.) When I was in graduate school, a classmate, who later became one of my best girl friends, and I laughed hysterically about a coping mechanism we had in common: the couch.
The couch symbolized a safe place: you can curl up on it, it’s usually soft and comfortable, it’s stable, and it’s made for you to sit/lay on it until you are ready to get off. The couch never leaves you and doesn’t talk back; depending on how old it is, you sometimes create a dent, giving signature to your personal seat on the couch. (I am sitting on my couch typing this blog.) The couch…*smile*
Like the couch, showering is becoming a much needed coping mechanism. When I wake up unable to feel, I head for the shower. As taking a shower is also a true task these days, it also gives me a true sense of accomplishment once I have taken it. With the frame, the pain, and the energy it takes to get into position, it’s amazing that I even WANT to do it. Not to mention, after I have showered, I have to blow dry my frame for approximately 10 minutes, making sure all pin sites are dry. However, after all is said and done, I feel “so fresh and so clean,clean.” (LOL . That is taken from some song. *smile*)
Today, I showered. Today, I let go of some of the hurt I was holding onto. Today, I am still uncertain and unsure, but I did not cry today. Today, I asked God to open my heart so joy could find me once more. Today, I was able to say thank you for the love I recognize to be in my life. Today, I feel. Today, I showered.
Based on last night’s conversation wit my doctor, he is certain I do not have an infection at this time. He did inform me that the additional draining is due to the wire shifting under the skin since we are rotating the bone. Really??? (It’s these types of things one needs some advance notice about…gee, thanks!) I am glad to know an infection has not set in, but now we must watch my temp more closely and the pin site has to be wrapped again on a daily basis. (Sorry Bridgette; this means a litte more work for you during your daily visits.)
My shower this morning was nice and relaxing. I enjoy the feel of water cascading down my body. Once I am safely in place on my shower chair, I have no intentions of hurrying out of the shower. *smile* Since I am not showering daily, I appreciate this luxury so much more. When I am able to step into the shower, I am washing away the grit, pain, and sorrow of yesterday. I am saying to myslelf and my body, “Today is a new day. You are okay today.” (These are powerful words to hear and feel when you are down for the count.) Taking a shower, these days, is my way of letting go of the pain.
It’s crazy what type of coping mechanisms one can develop just to survive a 24-hour period. (For those just joining, a 24-hour period is all I plan for at this period in my life.) When I was in graduate school, a classmate, who later became one of my best girl friends, and I laughed hysterically about a coping mechanism we had in common: the couch.
The couch symbolized a safe place: you can curl up on it, it’s usually soft and comfortable, it’s stable, and it’s made for you to sit/lay on it until you are ready to get off. The couch never leaves you and doesn’t talk back; depending on how old it is, you sometimes create a dent, giving signature to your personal seat on the couch. (I am sitting on my couch typing this blog.) The couch…*smile*
Like the couch, showering is becoming a much needed coping mechanism. When I wake up unable to feel, I head for the shower. As taking a shower is also a true task these days, it also gives me a true sense of accomplishment once I have taken it. With the frame, the pain, and the energy it takes to get into position, it’s amazing that I even WANT to do it. Not to mention, after I have showered, I have to blow dry my frame for approximately 10 minutes, making sure all pin sites are dry. However, after all is said and done, I feel “so fresh and so clean,clean.” (LOL . That is taken from some song. *smile*)
Today, I showered. Today, I let go of some of the hurt I was holding onto. Today, I am still uncertain and unsure, but I did not cry today. Today, I asked God to open my heart so joy could find me once more. Today, I was able to say thank you for the love I recognize to be in my life. Today, I feel. Today, I showered.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Infection while framed....
Goal : make it through the next 24-hours
Well ladies and gents, after seven weeks of smooth sailing regarding my pin sites, I am sorry to report that has come to an end. *sad face* Dr. Ogawa warned me before surgery that therewas a 90% chance of getting some sort of infection at the pin sites, simply due to the fact I have wires sticking out of my leg. (Still, this was the time I was hoping to remain in the bottom 10%.)
I first noticed some irregular oozing from one of my wires on Friday, but I thought it was due to the pressure from my ace bandage I was wearing. Besides, after pin care and a clear pass from my doctor during my visit, there seemed to be nothing to fear.
However, more oozing occurred yesterday, forcing me to clean the site again – this time with benodine. Benodine not only cleans the sites, but helps dry the sites as well. The benodine worked its magic as the oozing seemed to cease. But, I slept in a state of discomfort last night.
All night, I felt a smarting, burning sensation coming from this particular site. When I woke up this morning, I saw there was more build up around the pin and it hurts – very uncomfortable! I know my doctor placed a standing order for antibiotics in case something like this occurred. I have already asked my friend to pick the meds up later today and have placed a call to Dr. Ogawa, because I don’t want to take any chances at this point.
Being in this frame is a rollercoaster ride; I swear I am trying to hold on but I’m truly ready for this car to pull in.
Well ladies and gents, after seven weeks of smooth sailing regarding my pin sites, I am sorry to report that has come to an end. *sad face* Dr. Ogawa warned me before surgery that therewas a 90% chance of getting some sort of infection at the pin sites, simply due to the fact I have wires sticking out of my leg. (Still, this was the time I was hoping to remain in the bottom 10%.)
I first noticed some irregular oozing from one of my wires on Friday, but I thought it was due to the pressure from my ace bandage I was wearing. Besides, after pin care and a clear pass from my doctor during my visit, there seemed to be nothing to fear.
However, more oozing occurred yesterday, forcing me to clean the site again – this time with benodine. Benodine not only cleans the sites, but helps dry the sites as well. The benodine worked its magic as the oozing seemed to cease. But, I slept in a state of discomfort last night.
All night, I felt a smarting, burning sensation coming from this particular site. When I woke up this morning, I saw there was more build up around the pin and it hurts – very uncomfortable! I know my doctor placed a standing order for antibiotics in case something like this occurred. I have already asked my friend to pick the meds up later today and have placed a call to Dr. Ogawa, because I don’t want to take any chances at this point.
Being in this frame is a rollercoaster ride; I swear I am trying to hold on but I’m truly ready for this car to pull in.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
VALENTINE'S DAY FRAME UP
Goal: brush teeth, wash face…no expectations for the day.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Aside from my nurse visit and a few phone calls, my day was very quiet. Due to all I am going through, I had mixed emotions today. Usually, I am a fool for Valentine’s Day! I am a true Libra and I love, LOVE. Historically, I spend $$$$ at Hallmark, preparing for this day: I buy cards, stuff animals, and candy treats to celebrate those in my life whom I adore. On this day, I like being with that “special” person or kicking it with my people. I enjoy being in love and enjoy seeing others in love. I am a TRUE romantic!
Today, however, I was out of touch. I reached out to a few people, but I found myself doubting my worthiness for having love. I woke up this morning and knew it was going to be an “off” day for me. I woke up scared and worried about my future. I want this frame off of me, but am worried about my future ability to walk. I also woke up worried about my right foot and ankle – fear is setting in and I am scared of this situation happening to the other side of my body. I woke up uncertain and felt alone. On one of my favorite holidays (second to my birthday), I wanted this all to be over.
Today I don’t see the rainbow after the storm or the light at the end of the tunnel – today, I see a horrendous storm and no tunnel. Today, I feel like a joke with no hope. Today , I feel unworthy of love. Today.
Thank God today is almost over. It is 9:30 p.m. and I’ll spend the rest of the evening playing Flip Words. (I got so hooked on this internet game, I purchased it.) If anything, this game is a great distraction which forces me to use my brain. I plan to play this game until sleep finds me. Here’s to a better tomorrow.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Aside from my nurse visit and a few phone calls, my day was very quiet. Due to all I am going through, I had mixed emotions today. Usually, I am a fool for Valentine’s Day! I am a true Libra and I love, LOVE. Historically, I spend $$$$ at Hallmark, preparing for this day: I buy cards, stuff animals, and candy treats to celebrate those in my life whom I adore. On this day, I like being with that “special” person or kicking it with my people. I enjoy being in love and enjoy seeing others in love. I am a TRUE romantic!
Today, however, I was out of touch. I reached out to a few people, but I found myself doubting my worthiness for having love. I woke up this morning and knew it was going to be an “off” day for me. I woke up scared and worried about my future. I want this frame off of me, but am worried about my future ability to walk. I also woke up worried about my right foot and ankle – fear is setting in and I am scared of this situation happening to the other side of my body. I woke up uncertain and felt alone. On one of my favorite holidays (second to my birthday), I wanted this all to be over.
Today I don’t see the rainbow after the storm or the light at the end of the tunnel – today, I see a horrendous storm and no tunnel. Today, I feel like a joke with no hope. Today , I feel unworthy of love. Today.
Thank God today is almost over. It is 9:30 p.m. and I’ll spend the rest of the evening playing Flip Words. (I got so hooked on this internet game, I purchased it.) If anything, this game is a great distraction which forces me to use my brain. I plan to play this game until sleep finds me. Here’s to a better tomorrow.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Today was a good day
Goal: wash face, brush teeth, stay off leg, and blog
Today was a good day. When I went to bed last night, I had no expectations for today. Due to the fact I tossed and turned most of the night, I figured today would be full of cat naps…smile…thankfully, I was wrong.
I received a wake up call from one I will call, “my-blast-from-the-past.” He found me on facebook several months ago, and although I was intially uncertain about the connection, his friendship has been very comforting. I haven’t seen him in weeks, so I was surprised when I received his call. Since he wanted to do a “drop-by,” and was basically around the corner when he rang, I had time to throw on a slip dress (clossest thing to my bed), my leg brace, and hobble to the bathroom; before I was finished, the doorbell rang. While he was here, my nurse came and this was all before 9:30 A.M.
The remainder of the visit was cool, but I was happy to retire to my bedroom with a slice of that Red Velvet cake my mom surprised me with yesterday. MMMMMMM………..GooD! Eating cake and watching the movie 2012 took up the next few hours. While watching the movie, I received a “check-up call” from the man who held my heart so many years ago. (This man can still bring a smile to my heart.)
After chatting with him, one of my best girlfriends called to tell me she was brining me some of her chicken gumbo – oh la la! She was right on time! Although she couldn’t stay for a visit, she warmed some gumbo for me and I had her take some cake. I wanted to share the love. *wink*
I have now finished eating, have taken my night-time meds, and have retired back into the bedroom. I am happy to report that my pain of yesterday has subsided. I think the Vicodin/Ibuprofin combo is working. Yay! I am feeling a little drained but thankful that the day took care of me. Like I said intially, “Today was a good day.”
Today was a good day. When I went to bed last night, I had no expectations for today. Due to the fact I tossed and turned most of the night, I figured today would be full of cat naps…smile…thankfully, I was wrong.
I received a wake up call from one I will call, “my-blast-from-the-past.” He found me on facebook several months ago, and although I was intially uncertain about the connection, his friendship has been very comforting. I haven’t seen him in weeks, so I was surprised when I received his call. Since he wanted to do a “drop-by,” and was basically around the corner when he rang, I had time to throw on a slip dress (clossest thing to my bed), my leg brace, and hobble to the bathroom; before I was finished, the doorbell rang. While he was here, my nurse came and this was all before 9:30 A.M.
The remainder of the visit was cool, but I was happy to retire to my bedroom with a slice of that Red Velvet cake my mom surprised me with yesterday. MMMMMMM………..GooD! Eating cake and watching the movie 2012 took up the next few hours. While watching the movie, I received a “check-up call” from the man who held my heart so many years ago. (This man can still bring a smile to my heart.)
After chatting with him, one of my best girlfriends called to tell me she was brining me some of her chicken gumbo – oh la la! She was right on time! Although she couldn’t stay for a visit, she warmed some gumbo for me and I had her take some cake. I wanted to share the love. *wink*
I have now finished eating, have taken my night-time meds, and have retired back into the bedroom. I am happy to report that my pain of yesterday has subsided. I think the Vicodin/Ibuprofin combo is working. Yay! I am feeling a little drained but thankful that the day took care of me. Like I said intially, “Today was a good day.”
Friday, February 12, 2010
Reframing_Part 2
Goal: Make it through doctor’s appointment
First of all, I am happy to be blogging again. On saturday night, febuary 6th, my internet explorer stopped working. I tried to install all the updates, tried all the troubleshooting options, but nothing helped. On top of that, I was mad at myself because I did not download a secondary browser…man!!! On Sunday, I re-installed Windows, which blew off all previous settings and downloads because my back-up did not take (of course I didn’t know this until later)! After all off that, I still had to have my mom carry me to Fry’s because my computer still didn’t want to run properly. Agggh!
After the associate downloaded both firefox and google chrome (browsers), I took the computer home for a test run. Thankfully, my system seemed to be back to normal. It took me two more days to add my software and get some security guards (???) on the system; what a week! I am, framed to technology…love it when it works…feel lost without it…and can’t remember what life was like before it.
Today, I had another doctor’s appointment. Verdict: all is going as planned. Dr. Ogawa ran a new recipe that I must follow for 14 days. My foot is almost aligned to what is considered “walking position.” My pins continue to be clear of infection and there are no additional fractures in the bone. By all standards, life should be good – key phrase, “should be.”
No one warned me about the SEVERE knee pain I would experience due to this frame. As the doctor is using this frame to rotate my bones, it is seriously affecting my knee. If my knee is bent for longer than 10 minutes, it hurts like hell to get up. It’s a ligament, joint, bone pain that is indescribable. The pain brings me to tears you guys.
I first experienced this pain in week 2. At that time, there was actual water on the knee and it was aspirated. I felt better after week 3 and all seemed stable. However, the pain started up again last week and has gotten increasingly worse…I swear I see stars when I stand up! I was given a new knee brace today and my doctor told me to combine Vicodin and Ibuprofin. I’ll try anything at this point.
I felt bad for my mom because she surprised me with a Red Velvet cake for Valentine’s Day and I could not get excited. Although I was thankful, I had just walked in the house and my pain level was at its highest level…I could find no joy. If you are reading mom, thanks for the cake! *smile*
First of all, I am happy to be blogging again. On saturday night, febuary 6th, my internet explorer stopped working. I tried to install all the updates, tried all the troubleshooting options, but nothing helped. On top of that, I was mad at myself because I did not download a secondary browser…man!!! On Sunday, I re-installed Windows, which blew off all previous settings and downloads because my back-up did not take (of course I didn’t know this until later)! After all off that, I still had to have my mom carry me to Fry’s because my computer still didn’t want to run properly. Agggh!
After the associate downloaded both firefox and google chrome (browsers), I took the computer home for a test run. Thankfully, my system seemed to be back to normal. It took me two more days to add my software and get some security guards (???) on the system; what a week! I am, framed to technology…love it when it works…feel lost without it…and can’t remember what life was like before it.
Today, I had another doctor’s appointment. Verdict: all is going as planned. Dr. Ogawa ran a new recipe that I must follow for 14 days. My foot is almost aligned to what is considered “walking position.” My pins continue to be clear of infection and there are no additional fractures in the bone. By all standards, life should be good – key phrase, “should be.”
No one warned me about the SEVERE knee pain I would experience due to this frame. As the doctor is using this frame to rotate my bones, it is seriously affecting my knee. If my knee is bent for longer than 10 minutes, it hurts like hell to get up. It’s a ligament, joint, bone pain that is indescribable. The pain brings me to tears you guys.
I first experienced this pain in week 2. At that time, there was actual water on the knee and it was aspirated. I felt better after week 3 and all seemed stable. However, the pain started up again last week and has gotten increasingly worse…I swear I see stars when I stand up! I was given a new knee brace today and my doctor told me to combine Vicodin and Ibuprofin. I’ll try anything at this point.
I felt bad for my mom because she surprised me with a Red Velvet cake for Valentine’s Day and I could not get excited. Although I was thankful, I had just walked in the house and my pain level was at its highest level…I could find no joy. If you are reading mom, thanks for the cake! *smile*
Friday, February 5, 2010
Faith-in-Frame
Goal: wash face, brush teeth, make spinach/crab dip, blog, and maybe try the shower.
I am glad to see another Friday as they are the anniversary days of my surgery. Today marks seven weeks of being fixed to a frame. *smile* I smile because six weeks ago today, Christmas Day to be exact, I didn’t think I was going to make it. My running thought was suicide. (I prayed for the day to go home so I could die.) Every night I thought of taking 13, 14, 15 pills to “numb” the pain and put me in that deep sleep I so desired. I just could not do it at my mom’s house. I did not want her to be haunted by that.
In truth, being under my mom for three weeks saved my life. As the days moved forward and my energy started to return, I really wanted to get home, but I had no longer had the desire to die. I wasn’t sure how I was going to live, but I was eager to give it another try. I was eager to feel my bed again, have my boo hold me again, watch my tv, sit on my couch, smell my smells , take a shower, see my clothes, touch my things, drive again, and travel again – I was eager to meet Denedria again.
Now, seven weeks in, I continue to rediscover myself. Many days I feel like a fake because I can’t seem to match the me before the frame to the me of today. I know my outlook will change over time as it always does, but this time my hidden fears seem to be more dominate and not easily shaken. More than anything, I am afraid that there is a permanent crack in my independent nature.
I also feel phony because I haven’t been able to pray since the surgery. (I tried once, but it felt so foreign.) So many people have held me in their prayers, and yet, I haven’t been able to it for myself. In truth, I haven’t had a church home in years, but my faith in God has remained strong. I know that it is because of Him that I am here and continue to be, but even as I am typing this, I believe this more with my head than with my heart. I have truly lost something and am struggling to get it back.
I know I need to find a church home, someplace where I feel safe and accepted. A safe place, yes, that is what I need. Any suggestions???? I need, above all else, to stop walking in fear, but I need guidance. I may also go back to counseling. One thing I do know; I can’t social work myself! I process things very well but even social workers need to know when they have hit a brick wall – “Hello wall.”
I am glad to see another Friday as they are the anniversary days of my surgery. Today marks seven weeks of being fixed to a frame. *smile* I smile because six weeks ago today, Christmas Day to be exact, I didn’t think I was going to make it. My running thought was suicide. (I prayed for the day to go home so I could die.) Every night I thought of taking 13, 14, 15 pills to “numb” the pain and put me in that deep sleep I so desired. I just could not do it at my mom’s house. I did not want her to be haunted by that.
In truth, being under my mom for three weeks saved my life. As the days moved forward and my energy started to return, I really wanted to get home, but I had no longer had the desire to die. I wasn’t sure how I was going to live, but I was eager to give it another try. I was eager to feel my bed again, have my boo hold me again, watch my tv, sit on my couch, smell my smells , take a shower, see my clothes, touch my things, drive again, and travel again – I was eager to meet Denedria again.
Now, seven weeks in, I continue to rediscover myself. Many days I feel like a fake because I can’t seem to match the me before the frame to the me of today. I know my outlook will change over time as it always does, but this time my hidden fears seem to be more dominate and not easily shaken. More than anything, I am afraid that there is a permanent crack in my independent nature.
I also feel phony because I haven’t been able to pray since the surgery. (I tried once, but it felt so foreign.) So many people have held me in their prayers, and yet, I haven’t been able to it for myself. In truth, I haven’t had a church home in years, but my faith in God has remained strong. I know that it is because of Him that I am here and continue to be, but even as I am typing this, I believe this more with my head than with my heart. I have truly lost something and am struggling to get it back.
I know I need to find a church home, someplace where I feel safe and accepted. A safe place, yes, that is what I need. Any suggestions???? I need, above all else, to stop walking in fear, but I need guidance. I may also go back to counseling. One thing I do know; I can’t social work myself! I process things very well but even social workers need to know when they have hit a brick wall – “Hello wall.”
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Still Framed...
Goal: brush teeth, wash face, make a mocha, and blog.
Today has been a slow moving day for me, and it is not all due to my having a long day yesterday. The first thirty minutes of my day truly color how my day will unfold: will it be one to rejoice in or one I sleep away? Today, I feel like sleeping.
At times, the frame is like a cage, a part of my body is entrapped, with no means to escape. And although I know it to be there, I sometimes forget and want to break free. This is a very common feeling when I wake up in the morning. When sleep finds me, I usually sleep sound. Despite the dreams, nightmares, or on rare occasions, the silence, I will drift to a place where I forget reality, and when I awake, I sometimes forget where I am and that I am still framed.
That first under-the-cover-stretch is usually what gets to me. (You know what I am talking about: when your eyes first pop open and you stretch or move your legs under the covers to get the circulation moving before you hop/pop up to turn on the television or get out of the bed.) In that brief, early A.M. moment, I freak because I can’t move my left leg. Not only are the covers caught on it, but it’s weighted down and I feel pain. When I raise my head to see what’s the matter, the visual brings me back to reality – I have to deal with this sh** again. Dang!
And then my reality hits: walker to the left of the bed, need to put on right leg brace before I can make it safely to the bathroom, muster up will to get up and go to the bathroom, should brush teeth and wash face, and the nurse will be here between 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. to clean pins and rotate struts. This is the constant in which I now reside. The variety comes when I sleep at my mom’s home once a week. The difference – no A.M. nurse, I have a doctor’s appointment.
The highlights these days are making my homemade mochas: milk, ice, mocha mix, and blend. I do this every morning. I love my homemade mochas and I use to make them every morning to drink on my way to work. They taste great and always made me feel good, and Lord knows I need to feel good these days. Besides, milk does a body good and my mocha mix is 99.9% caffeine free, so there. This is why I went to Smart-and-Final before moving back home and purchased three cans of mocha mix, two large bags of ice, and two more packs of 20-ounce foam cups (I already had plenty of lids and straws). I know I am not living “green,” but I need to be spill proof at this time.
(I know my life is upside down because I am blogging about my mocha – Oh Lord! Now do you understand why I want to sleep the day away???)
Today has been a slow moving day for me, and it is not all due to my having a long day yesterday. The first thirty minutes of my day truly color how my day will unfold: will it be one to rejoice in or one I sleep away? Today, I feel like sleeping.
At times, the frame is like a cage, a part of my body is entrapped, with no means to escape. And although I know it to be there, I sometimes forget and want to break free. This is a very common feeling when I wake up in the morning. When sleep finds me, I usually sleep sound. Despite the dreams, nightmares, or on rare occasions, the silence, I will drift to a place where I forget reality, and when I awake, I sometimes forget where I am and that I am still framed.
That first under-the-cover-stretch is usually what gets to me. (You know what I am talking about: when your eyes first pop open and you stretch or move your legs under the covers to get the circulation moving before you hop/pop up to turn on the television or get out of the bed.) In that brief, early A.M. moment, I freak because I can’t move my left leg. Not only are the covers caught on it, but it’s weighted down and I feel pain. When I raise my head to see what’s the matter, the visual brings me back to reality – I have to deal with this sh** again. Dang!
And then my reality hits: walker to the left of the bed, need to put on right leg brace before I can make it safely to the bathroom, muster up will to get up and go to the bathroom, should brush teeth and wash face, and the nurse will be here between 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. to clean pins and rotate struts. This is the constant in which I now reside. The variety comes when I sleep at my mom’s home once a week. The difference – no A.M. nurse, I have a doctor’s appointment.
The highlights these days are making my homemade mochas: milk, ice, mocha mix, and blend. I do this every morning. I love my homemade mochas and I use to make them every morning to drink on my way to work. They taste great and always made me feel good, and Lord knows I need to feel good these days. Besides, milk does a body good and my mocha mix is 99.9% caffeine free, so there. This is why I went to Smart-and-Final before moving back home and purchased three cans of mocha mix, two large bags of ice, and two more packs of 20-ounce foam cups (I already had plenty of lids and straws). I know I am not living “green,” but I need to be spill proof at this time.
(I know my life is upside down because I am blogging about my mocha – Oh Lord! Now do you understand why I want to sleep the day away???)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Reframing_Part 1
Goal: make it through doctor’s appointment, get to the bank, and go to post office.
Thankfully, Freddy did not make it into my dreams last night. Although exhausted, it still took me three hours to trust myself to fall asleep. I also switched from Vicodin to Tylenol 3 last night…maybe I’ll ask the doctor to switch my meds. Hmmmm.
I am typing this while sitting in the exam room getting pin care. Daily pin care along with changing struts is an integral part of this frame. My leg usually stings/burns/jumps after pin care, but hey, that means the pins are clean.
I must admit, I feel I have the best doctor and support staff to help me through this ordeal. Doctor Ogawa and the orthopedic technicians at Kaiser-Harbor City have been THEE BEST!!!! As I was in a cast for six weeks prior to surgery, the orthopedic department has become a home away from home, and it nice to walk into friendly faces. We have now moved from pin care to changing out one of my struts on the frame. This process can be a little uncomfortable that is why I am continuing to blog as they are working on me. (It’s amazing what kind of coping mechanisms you develop.)
Dr. Ogawa and team mate have finished changing out strut #3. I have to go over some numbers with him on my recipe…I’ll be back.
* * * * * * * *
Several hours later, after discussing the recipe with my doctor, going to the bank, going to the post office, having an early dinner with mom, and riding with mom to Anaheim, I am now at home resuming my blog. Where was I? Oh yes, the recipe.
The “recipe,” otherwise known as “the precious” is the guideline used to rotate the various struts, which, in turn, will lengthen my leg and re-align my foot. I have six struts which are numbered and color-coded. I (my home-health nurse) rotates up to four different struts daily. Again, this is all based on “the precious.”
One other interesting fact about the recipe is that it is computer generated. Depending on where ones leg (arm, elbow, etc.) is, and where your doctor wants it to go, the doctor plugs in numbers which generates possible outcomes, eventually developing a recipe. As my doctor has stated, sometimes things are over/under corrected and then they have to re-run the numbers. (I’ve experienced re-running of numbers once already.)
Today was long. My doctor’s appointments run pretty long because they begin with x-rays, we move to pin care, and then the meet and greet with the doctor. I am thankful that the staff has been very patient with me – I was emotional rollercoaster for several weeks (and I am going back to pre-surgery!). It seemed like during several back-to-back visits, all I received was bad news about my leg, my bones, and the surgical procedure. I was a HOT mess! It’s amazing what taking life in 24-hour segments can do for you. Today’s 24 wasn’t bad, let’s see how tomorrow’s 24 will match up. *smiles*
Thankfully, Freddy did not make it into my dreams last night. Although exhausted, it still took me three hours to trust myself to fall asleep. I also switched from Vicodin to Tylenol 3 last night…maybe I’ll ask the doctor to switch my meds. Hmmmm.
I am typing this while sitting in the exam room getting pin care. Daily pin care along with changing struts is an integral part of this frame. My leg usually stings/burns/jumps after pin care, but hey, that means the pins are clean.
I must admit, I feel I have the best doctor and support staff to help me through this ordeal. Doctor Ogawa and the orthopedic technicians at Kaiser-Harbor City have been THEE BEST!!!! As I was in a cast for six weeks prior to surgery, the orthopedic department has become a home away from home, and it nice to walk into friendly faces. We have now moved from pin care to changing out one of my struts on the frame. This process can be a little uncomfortable that is why I am continuing to blog as they are working on me. (It’s amazing what kind of coping mechanisms you develop.)
Dr. Ogawa and team mate have finished changing out strut #3. I have to go over some numbers with him on my recipe…I’ll be back.
* * * * * * * *
Several hours later, after discussing the recipe with my doctor, going to the bank, going to the post office, having an early dinner with mom, and riding with mom to Anaheim, I am now at home resuming my blog. Where was I? Oh yes, the recipe.
The “recipe,” otherwise known as “the precious” is the guideline used to rotate the various struts, which, in turn, will lengthen my leg and re-align my foot. I have six struts which are numbered and color-coded. I (my home-health nurse) rotates up to four different struts daily. Again, this is all based on “the precious.”
One other interesting fact about the recipe is that it is computer generated. Depending on where ones leg (arm, elbow, etc.) is, and where your doctor wants it to go, the doctor plugs in numbers which generates possible outcomes, eventually developing a recipe. As my doctor has stated, sometimes things are over/under corrected and then they have to re-run the numbers. (I’ve experienced re-running of numbers once already.)
Today was long. My doctor’s appointments run pretty long because they begin with x-rays, we move to pin care, and then the meet and greet with the doctor. I am thankful that the staff has been very patient with me – I was emotional rollercoaster for several weeks (and I am going back to pre-surgery!). It seemed like during several back-to-back visits, all I received was bad news about my leg, my bones, and the surgical procedure. I was a HOT mess! It’s amazing what taking life in 24-hour segments can do for you. Today’s 24 wasn’t bad, let’s see how tomorrow’s 24 will match up. *smiles*
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The night time frame...
Goal: shower and be ready to get picked up at 3 p.m.
As freaked out as I can be regarding this thing on my leg, I get amused by the response of others: medical providers are proud of me because, “everything looks good…no infection and my pin sites are well maintained;” family members have varied in their comments, I’ve heard everything from, “You look like Frankenstein” to “When are they (aliens) coming to get you?;” while strangers offer the most comic relief with their not so secret glances and stares. It’s all truly comical because there is really nothing one can say.
However, I am thankful when the brave ones actually express what they really feel: “Oh my God!,” “Does that hurt?,” and “Woooo!” actually make me feel better. Trust me, I still get lost staring at my leg in disbelief. Although it has been six weeks and four days, I STILL get lost in the fact that this frame is on my leg.
Aside to getting adjusted to the frame, I find myself bothered by the violent dreams I continue to have. I am talking feel-the gun-to-my-tempo-if –I-don’t-wake-up-I’m-dead-dreams. The dreams (more like nightmares) occurred every night the first two weeks post surgery. I still recall most of the scenes and situations. Weeks three and four, the dreams faded away, but now they are slowly coming back. Last night, for instance, was scary. I found myself jumping up every time I felt sleep coming my way. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw dark shadows. I programmed my television to go off at least four different times. I felt like I was in a “Freddy Kruger” movie:
“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…three, four, better lock your door…five, six, grab the crucifix…”
At least I got 3 ½ hours of sleep last night.
I am taking Vicodin for the pain. I’ve taken it before, but never experienced these type of dreams. Maybe my underlining mental state is playing into my lack of sleep. I know that hallucinations and “unusual” dreams are known side effects, but come on! Tonight I’ll be at my mom’s home because she is taking me to an early doctor’s appointment in the morning. I am hoping sleep will be easier to find, although I was at her home my first two weeks post surgery. I can hope, right????
(By the way, I did meet my goal of the day, but my ride is now 20 minutes late…*smiles*)
As freaked out as I can be regarding this thing on my leg, I get amused by the response of others: medical providers are proud of me because, “everything looks good…no infection and my pin sites are well maintained;” family members have varied in their comments, I’ve heard everything from, “You look like Frankenstein” to “When are they (aliens) coming to get you?;” while strangers offer the most comic relief with their not so secret glances and stares. It’s all truly comical because there is really nothing one can say.
However, I am thankful when the brave ones actually express what they really feel: “Oh my God!,” “Does that hurt?,” and “Woooo!” actually make me feel better. Trust me, I still get lost staring at my leg in disbelief. Although it has been six weeks and four days, I STILL get lost in the fact that this frame is on my leg.
Aside to getting adjusted to the frame, I find myself bothered by the violent dreams I continue to have. I am talking feel-the gun-to-my-tempo-if –I-don’t-wake-up-I’m-dead-dreams. The dreams (more like nightmares) occurred every night the first two weeks post surgery. I still recall most of the scenes and situations. Weeks three and four, the dreams faded away, but now they are slowly coming back. Last night, for instance, was scary. I found myself jumping up every time I felt sleep coming my way. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw dark shadows. I programmed my television to go off at least four different times. I felt like I was in a “Freddy Kruger” movie:
“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…three, four, better lock your door…five, six, grab the crucifix…”
At least I got 3 ½ hours of sleep last night.
I am taking Vicodin for the pain. I’ve taken it before, but never experienced these type of dreams. Maybe my underlining mental state is playing into my lack of sleep. I know that hallucinations and “unusual” dreams are known side effects, but come on! Tonight I’ll be at my mom’s home because she is taking me to an early doctor’s appointment in the morning. I am hoping sleep will be easier to find, although I was at her home my first two weeks post surgery. I can hope, right????
(By the way, I did meet my goal of the day, but my ride is now 20 minutes late…*smiles*)
Framing It Together
Goal: to get out of the bed, brush my teeth and wash my face everyday (changing clothes optional).
I don’t know where to begin. I should have started this blog weeks ago, but I had no motivation. (I had plenty of anger, but no motivation…come to think of it, the anger would have made for great reading…oh well. I am pretty sure I’ll get angry again in the near future.)
It has been 6 weeks, 3 days, and 15 hours since I had, yet another, life altering surgery. (I know they say, “God doesn’t give one more than they can bear,” but I would like a pass on the hard stuff from time to time.) Six weeks, three days, and fifteen hours ago, I became fixed to a frame, to be more correct, I have a Taylor Spatial External Frame/Fixture attached to my lower left foot/ankle. For those who can’t form the visual, think of the movie series SAW. This frame looks like a torture device used in ones of those movies, except, unlike the unfortunate characters in those films, I was fortunate to receive anesthesia.
Can you add a picture to this blog? Hold on...
What happened? Good question. My body gave out. My ankle bone shifted out of place--no car accident, no elaborate story, my body just got tired. (Did I lose you? My apologies. Let me back up and give you a little history.) I was born with CMT, a neuromuscular disorder, affecting various nerves in the body. I have always had problems with fine motor skills, sensation, and walking. When I was nine, my life was altered. I have and continue to live a very independent life, but that has been no match for a body that slowly deteriorates over the years. I have survived a hit-in-run car accident, resulting in a bar and six screws in my left arm; I survived a work related fall, resulting in a bar and four screws in my left hip; and I survived a slip in the bathroom, resulting in a compression fracture to vertebra T-12 (I had to wear a plastic, corset-like back brace for 3 months). I always survive, that’s what I do, but at times, “surviving” is not what I wish to do.
I think this is why I am so mixed up this time around. In the past, I always had some situation to blame for my physical predicament (car accident, slip-n-fall, etc.), but this time, this time, there is only my body to blame. Doctors warned me that my body might one day wear down, I have always been afraid that my body might give out before my spirit was ready to make the transition, but in my wildest dreams, I never imagined that my ankle bone could/would shift out of place. The combination of neuropathy due to CMT and my diagnosis of osteoporosis approximately six years ago, led to my dislocated ankle and the last thing on my mind was “surviving.”
Truth be told, I am a little tired – 36 years old and tired! I am tired of having to be “on” and having to be “strong” all the time. When the bandages were first removed from my frame, I thought, “There is no way I can live with this thing for three months!” It took me two days to actually look at it. I mean, what would you do if you had 5 pins and 22 wires sticking out of your leg???
I want to give up, but I am too stubborn to that. *hahahahahaha* In truth, I didn’t want to wake up from surgery. I was ready to leave this earth because something in me knew I was tired of “surviving.” (Yes, even the strong are weak.) I was so ready to leave: I informed my sister of some last wishes, cleaned up the house so it would be presentable for the repast, and had my various life/death policies laid out on the bed. I wanted to be taken, but, lucky me, I woke up. I still don’t know why I woke up.
(actully written 2-1-10)
I don’t know where to begin. I should have started this blog weeks ago, but I had no motivation. (I had plenty of anger, but no motivation…come to think of it, the anger would have made for great reading…oh well. I am pretty sure I’ll get angry again in the near future.)
It has been 6 weeks, 3 days, and 15 hours since I had, yet another, life altering surgery. (I know they say, “God doesn’t give one more than they can bear,” but I would like a pass on the hard stuff from time to time.) Six weeks, three days, and fifteen hours ago, I became fixed to a frame, to be more correct, I have a Taylor Spatial External Frame/Fixture attached to my lower left foot/ankle. For those who can’t form the visual, think of the movie series SAW. This frame looks like a torture device used in ones of those movies, except, unlike the unfortunate characters in those films, I was fortunate to receive anesthesia.
Can you add a picture to this blog? Hold on...
What happened? Good question. My body gave out. My ankle bone shifted out of place--no car accident, no elaborate story, my body just got tired. (Did I lose you? My apologies. Let me back up and give you a little history.) I was born with CMT, a neuromuscular disorder, affecting various nerves in the body. I have always had problems with fine motor skills, sensation, and walking. When I was nine, my life was altered. I have and continue to live a very independent life, but that has been no match for a body that slowly deteriorates over the years. I have survived a hit-in-run car accident, resulting in a bar and six screws in my left arm; I survived a work related fall, resulting in a bar and four screws in my left hip; and I survived a slip in the bathroom, resulting in a compression fracture to vertebra T-12 (I had to wear a plastic, corset-like back brace for 3 months). I always survive, that’s what I do, but at times, “surviving” is not what I wish to do.
I think this is why I am so mixed up this time around. In the past, I always had some situation to blame for my physical predicament (car accident, slip-n-fall, etc.), but this time, this time, there is only my body to blame. Doctors warned me that my body might one day wear down, I have always been afraid that my body might give out before my spirit was ready to make the transition, but in my wildest dreams, I never imagined that my ankle bone could/would shift out of place. The combination of neuropathy due to CMT and my diagnosis of osteoporosis approximately six years ago, led to my dislocated ankle and the last thing on my mind was “surviving.”
Truth be told, I am a little tired – 36 years old and tired! I am tired of having to be “on” and having to be “strong” all the time. When the bandages were first removed from my frame, I thought, “There is no way I can live with this thing for three months!” It took me two days to actually look at it. I mean, what would you do if you had 5 pins and 22 wires sticking out of your leg???
I want to give up, but I am too stubborn to that. *hahahahahaha* In truth, I didn’t want to wake up from surgery. I was ready to leave this earth because something in me knew I was tired of “surviving.” (Yes, even the strong are weak.) I was so ready to leave: I informed my sister of some last wishes, cleaned up the house so it would be presentable for the repast, and had my various life/death policies laid out on the bed. I wanted to be taken, but, lucky me, I woke up. I still don’t know why I woke up.
(actully written 2-1-10)
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