Between the pain and the drugs...

The only thing left to do is sleep...


 I still can't believe all this pain I am experiencing. It is very frustrating to say the least.  To come this far into the game just to feel like I am back at the beginning, makes me want to scream - D$%&&%M!!!


This is the first day in a couple of days that I've felt like sitting up to blog. I believe this has to do w/ my taking half the amount of Narco prescribed.  Although reducing the Narco has kept me more alert, it did not help well w/ the pain.  I am not sure what I may do tomorrow.  I kind of want to reduce my meds again tomorrow simply because I hate feeling like a space cadet.  I am truly nervous about this stage of the process because this experience is almost over and I don't want any setbacks.


God, please answer my need...I pray for complete healing...Thank you.

One step forward...several steps back

Goal: brush teeth

Yes. I have reverted back to the goals of yester-months - brush teeth.  Thankful that the bottom of my frame was removed three days ago, I am now faced with dealing w/ the pain which prevents me from functioning through-out the day, thus forcing me to get back to basics: brush teeth and possibly, wash face.

The Norco which was prescribed yesterday, works well but keeps me extremely drowsy. I don't mind sleeping, but I know it is a bit extreme and it also has my mom worried (sorry mom). I tried to take a lesser dosage of the Norco but that did not help w/ the level of pain.  I will most likely stay on the full dosage for a while before tailoring it down again. I just took another dose of meds but they haven't kicked in as I waited too long. I hopeful that I will feel some relief in the next 30 minutes.

I never imagined wearing this frame would bring so many ups and downs...so MANY!

Reframing_Part 7

Goal: move through the pain

Yesterday, I phoned my doctor and left him a message because of all the pain and discomfort I was having.  This morning, my doctor phoned and asked for me to come in for x-rays as there was a possibility my ankle could have shifted again - great! Thankfully, nothing shifted, but the possibility of infection was still a concern.  My doctor stated that this pain will last for a few days (I am thinking week) as my foot is getting use to having pressure applied to it once again.  The set of wires causing most of the pain was standard, per the doctor, so my pain seemed par for the course.  However, my doctor prescribed a stronger med (Norco) he hoped would bring some relief.  I popped two a couple of hours ago and I am feeling some relief, but then again, I have not applied any standing pressure to it.

My eyes are  barely staying open because of the Norcco and antibiotics.  I think I'll be a bit of a drugie for a few days until things stabilize. It's just hard being in constant pain, especially when I thought the worse was behind me.  Boy was I wrong! Anywho, I will stay strong and hold on. My meds are truly kicking in, so it's time for me to go - goodnight.

O.M.G! The P*A*I*N...

Goal: Make it through the day

The doctor did take the bottom of my frame off yesterday - thank GOD -  but I was not expecting, nor was I warned about the pain that I would experience.

My goodness, this crap HURTS!  I am feeling all seven wires on the left side of my foot.  The wires anchoring my heal are the two which hurt the most.  The pain is constant - sitting or walking - there is pain.  Thinking about how much more pain there will be if I make an effort to get up to simply go to the bathroom, prevents me from moving.  After sleeping the day due to pain, I called my mom and asked if I could come back over.  

I am now sitting on  my mom's couch and actually feel better just because I am not alone. I was worried something else might be wrong but I am glad the pain is all there is.  Unfortunately, I am finding myself needing to take my heavy meds again...tylenol 3 and vicodin. Not to mention the 10-day cycle of antibiotics which I was told to begin yesterday. I hope this period is short lived because I am feeling as out of it as I did after my initial surgery.

It has taken me almost 2 hours to type this entry due to the meds, so I know it is time to say goodnight: "Nite Nite."

The day after...The night before...

Goal: Rest!

My best friend went back to Ohio last night. I am so thankful that she had an opportunity to visit!  The visit was hectic as she had things to attend to, but the feel of joy, relief, belonging, and love were present at all times.

For both of us, this visit was a refueling of sorts.  She needed a break from the stressors of the new environment in which she is in, and I needed to be reminded as to why I needed to continue to stick around.  The initial hug said it all - relief!  Relieved to finally be in one-another's presence.

The few days we spent together were very full: night at the Bonaventure, drive up the coast, light shopping, late movie nights at the house, heart-to-heart conversations, breakfast w/ the girls, and finally, the dinner before her flight home.  Good times!

Tonight I am at my mom's as I have yet another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I am very prayerful that the bottom of my frame will be removed tomorrow.  I had a big let down two weeks ago as it was not removed as I was first told. If the bottom of my frame is removed tomorrow, I will feel I am one step closer to finally getting this thing off.  I feel my anxiety rising again, but I am still hopeful.  With fingers crossed, I log off!

I know why I woke up...

Goal:  See my best friend

Although I have been receivng various reminders off and on, at 9:52 a.m., I truly understood why I woke up from my December surgery - love.  I am not talking about romantic love, I am talking about pure, unconditional love.  I am talking about no-matter-what-happens-will-always-be there-for-you kind of love.  This morning, at 9:52 a.m., I understood why I woke up.

My best friend and god son arrived into L.A. at 11:30 p.m. last night. (I have not seen my best friend yet.  I will see her sometime tonight - can't wait!!!)  I have been imagining what it would be like to see my best friend after 7 months apart, but I never gave much thought to seeing my god son.  (Don't get me wrong, he, next to my niece, is a love of my life, but my best friend still holds first place.)  So I was not prepared for how emotional I became this morning when hearing his little voice and excitement come through the phone.  When his Nana announced, "Gaga's  (that's me) on the phone," he responded, "I'm in California Gaga! I'm gonna see you!" Can you say, melted heart??? Not only was I going to see my best friend but her child, a true reflection of her love and friendship - what more could one ask?

When he and his Nana arrived, I heard him before I saw him, "Gaga!"  As quickly as I could, I made my to the front room.  He started running towards me and then stopped when he noticed the frame.  Smiling, I kept my eyes on his and said, "It's okay. I'm still the same Gaga." His smile re-appeared and his run was replaced by a quick walk, but, as always, he hugged me head first on my right leg.  After a slew of questions beginning with "What happened?" and "Why?," Gaga and god son where as one.  His questions were soon replaced with, "I'm happy Gaga."  Need I say it? Gaga was happy too. *smile*

I have been thankful for so much through-out this process: my mom, my sister and her family traveling down at Christmas, my dearest, my FB family who show love through cyber space, my friends (both new and old, and newly reconnected), the medical support staff who cheer me up at medical appointments, family, extended family, blogging, music, my computer which keeps me connected to the world, the sanctity of my house, God (even though I had to find my way back to him), and meds.  With that being said, I was never thankful for a second chance.  This morning, at 9:52 a.m., I was thankful to have a second chance.

"Hair DID!"

Goal: get my hair done today...

Okay, I know why they say, "It must be the hair."  *hahaha*  It felt good being in a styling chair again.  Although, it was not my hair dresser, I still enjoyed the day.  I also got my eye brows waxed.  I had to have a semi-complete look.  *smiles.  I haven't had a day hanging w/ my mom at the salon in a very long time, so that also made the day/time enjoyable.  I am looking forward to being cute for a few days: hair DID, best friend in town, still fixed to a frame, but it's on and popping!  Here's to the start of a great weekend!

A Wednesday Surprise...

goal: have a good day

i must admit, today was/is a good day.  the true surprise of the day is i am getting my braids taken down (thanks mom!) and will get my hair DONE tomorrow!  ("DONE," for those who don't know, mean I will be going to the hair dresser for a wash, deep condition, and flat iron. I would like a perm, but I can't do that as I have been scratching my scalp w/ these braids.)  At any rate, I am excited.  I haven't been to a hair dresser since December, and under "normal" circumstances, I have a bi-monthly STANDING appointment.  I won't be going  to my hair dresser, I am going to my mothers', but at this point, it is ALL GOOD. *smile*

I am actually w/ my mom now at her place.  She finally has wireless set up in her home - YIPPE! The light is not on for some reason, so I'm typing in the dark and it's getting old. Mom is on the phone so her focus is elsewhere.

Well, I'll check in tomorrow and will share about the hair...nite...nite.

Considering the road ahead...

Goal: Didn't make one today

Today was pretty laid back.  I seem  to be in a reflective state of mind.  Yesterday, I assisted my former employer in training a new research team for a project they will be doing among Latino Males. The project will be facilitated out o Bienestar, a service agency in East Los Angeles.  They will be monitring medication adherence and and asking various stress related questions to 200 Latino Males living w/ HIV/AIDS.  My assistance was sought because I was apart of an earlier project which focused on African American Males.  Aside from having overall knowledge regarding the project design, I am versed in the study survey, the computer application, and other details from working directly w/ clients.  The day proved to be successful, yet long.

I actually felt good being able to assist the new research team.  It also felt good being needed and having the ability to perform.  I must admit, my former employer did all they could to get me to the training (provided transportation to and from, provided lunch, off course I will bill them for the time, and sprung for dinner), but it was worth it.  

There is a strong possibility that I will return to my former employer to facilitate a new research study.  I am a bit anxious about returning, but I think that is normal.  Right????  There are many factors I need to consider, but knowing I have a supportive environment (i.e. work hours, etc.) to return to makes some portions of my decision process easy.

Man.  I feel as though life has really thrown me a curve ball this time.  There's a lot I am not sayin, a lot I will never say so let's just say, this is one of those cross roads I initially talked about.

A quiet, framed Sunday

Goal: Goals seem to come hard these days



Today was a quiet day. I woke up, made a hot mocha, and climbed back in bed, settling on an old movie to watch. Today was one of those dreary days – cloudy with the feel of rainfall close behind. It was one of those days when staying tucked in the bed did not feel like such a crime.


After a couple of phone calls and the end of the morning movie, it was after noon and I made my way to the kitchen for an ice tea and a pre-made salad. Finding something entertaining on t.v.,I ate my salad and proceeded to pin care. The skin on my leg is looking very cracked. I am going to take a shower tonight; hopefully, that will help its appearance.


Bored w/ watching television, I made my way back into the bedroom and juiced up the laptop. Last night, I came up with a story idea so I wanted to flesh out the characters a little more. Be right back.


My sister just called – it’s always good to catch up with her. My niece called a little earlier today so I’ve spoken to mom and daughter. *smile* Looking at the news, I see that we are in for a nice Spring storm tonight into tomorrow morning. This is making me a bit anxious as I am scheduled to go to a meeting tomorrow. My old boss wants me to come back to work for them. They are offering more money and a higher position. Tomorrow’s meeting is to work out some bugs/meet with a new research team regarding a project they are doing with Latino Males. As I have a lot of experience, they want my input. Transportation is being provided as I have not driven since Thursday, December 17, 2009. I am just a little nervous about walking on this frame in the rain. Although the frame can get wet, I am worried about my ability to safely maneuver. I’ll be watching this rain closely through the morning.


I find myself missing my dearest. I’ll probably give him a call this P.M. Despite our ups and downs, when I’m next to him as nighttime falls, I know I’ll sleep well. Despite it all, his embrace relaxes me and comforts me because he holds me tight all through the night. It’s amazing when and how loves finds its way into your life. Ahhhh. Maybe I’ll blog more about love tomorrow.

God met my need...

Goal: Nothing set for today, but it took care of itself

The day got off to a good start: out of bed by 9 a.m., made breakfast, and sat down to a movie on the tub.  By noon, I found myself getting restless - the house was getting to me and had had an itch to get out.  I picked up the phone to call one of my girl friends (G), but decided it was cold out side and didn't want to deserve her on a Saturday if she was finding down time for herself.  Pushing the thought to get out of the house to the back of my mind, I made my way into the bedroom to count quarters (that's another story in itself).  Just when I was getting settled on the bed, my phone rang and it was the girl friend I was thinking of calling.  As my uncle reminded me yesterday, "God answers your needs."  *smile*

After an hour conversation, G decided she was coming down to get me and we would find something to get into on this Saturday.  What we got into was a Saturday drive.  We started out east on Pico Blvd., jumped on the 10 west just to make our way back towards the 110 south (construction...don't ask.), connected to the 105 east, to the 605 south, to the 405 south, to the 55 (towards Anaheim), found the 73 toll road (nice and scenic), and finally got off in Capistrano.  After rolling around on El Camino Rd to PCH, we drove past Dana Point, Solano Beach, and through other neighboring cities.  We finally found a Tommy's Resturant, a '60's diner off the 5 fwy.  

Tommy's was a nice find.  The decor included a juke box, various posters of the Rat Pack, old movie posters from that era, and what looked like magazine covers with various stars.  It was true '60's style!  The food was also very tasty.  I was in need for something different than what I am able to fix/make for myself these days, and Tommy's fit the bill.  I had a Gyro sandwich with hot seasoned fries...very good!  G had an interesting quesadilla which included bacon, chicken, cheese, chilles, mushrooms, and something else.  Yes; she enjoyed her meal too.  We both enjoyed their fresh brewed ice tea.  We enjoyed it so much, that we asked for to go cups to take our left over tea with us - yes, it was THAT good!  Oh yeah, we started our meal with an order of onion rings.  They were no Bubble Gump's rings (and haven't tried those, you are missing out), but they were HOT and nicely seasoned. Perfecto!

Our drive home was all freeway, but nice.  It was nice spending time w/ G.  We talked about men, reminisced about past road trips taken, and she helped process a decision I have to make.  (Thanks girl!) It's times like these when I am thankful for my friends - women who have been w/ me and seen me through good and bad times.  There is nothing like knowing you have people who truly know you and have your back w/out you voicing your need.

My time out today was very refreshing.  Although I am being strong and a big girl as I am handling this being home bound situation, I still need to be apart of the world and my outing today helped me to reconnect.

A Friday

 "God answers your needs."  Thank you Uncle David for this reminder.

The morning after another disappointment....

Goal: Face reality

Life is unfair...no promises and no guarantees. The only guarantee in life is change.

I woke up this morning and took a long look at my framed left leg. *Heavy Sigh*  After yesterday's disappointing news, I did not really know what or how to feel.  I trust that my doctor is taking his time to ensure that my leg, ankle, and bone heal beyond any doubt, for which I am thankful, but...

I calmed my spirit last night by taking my frustrations to the keyboard...music really does soothe the savage beast.  Although new to playing the keyboard, I was able to play the first verse of When the Saints Go Marching In.  (This goes back to my youth when I sang in the school and church choirs.)  I played the song several times using the organ sound on the keyboard.  Instantly, my spirit was put at ease.  The organ sound provided that richness for which the song implies and as I was singing along, my shoulders dropped, and I felt the tension and disappointment wane. 

I was able to retire to bed last night w/ prayer in my heart and feeling a little lighter.  I guess when I woke this morning, I was still in a state of wanting prayer for myself and my body.  I am not versed in the bible; I have never "studied" the book as I know a  good Christian should.  I know to go to the Bible and look in the index for verses related to a certain topic--at least I know that much!  I know that is sad, but that is where I am.

Usually, when I find myself in need of spiritual lifting, I reach for  a gospel song tucked in the corners of my mind.  Jesus, Your the Center of My Joy, is usually the first that comes out, followed by I Love You. After a few times, both  songs calm my spirit and remind me that I can move on.  Growing up, I always found my answer through the songs and that has stuck w/ me to this day.  Secular, Gospel, Traditional; music is music and I believe if you listen closely there can be a message found.  (Even now, I have the new Jaheim CD, Another Round, playing. This is a very smooth CD compared to his earlier CD's.  I should know, I have them all.  *hahahaha*  Seriously, it is nice.)  

Music, prayer, remembering that this situation will one day end, staying focused on my BFGFL's  arriving next week, knowing I have people I can call on, will help me move on.

Reframing_Part 6

Goal: doctor's appointment, post office, bank

I am PISSED!!!!!!  I have yet ANOTHER (at LEAST!) six MORE weeks to go with this damn frame on my leg!  In addition, the bottom of my frame was NOT removed as promised during my last visit.  Although the x-rays "looked good;" in fact, the doctor said, "I am happy with the x-rays.  The bone is filling in." Even with all the positive things he had to say, he will not move me along until my next visit. (Shit. The way things are going, I can't even hold on to that.)

I get that I need to be patient...I GET the doctor wants to "make sure" all is well; but DON'T KEEP getting my hopes up when you KNOW there is a GREATER chance that you may have to go back on your word!!!! At first, I was to be in a frame for three months, then I was given another six weeks, and now, I have ANOTHER six weeks added on.  I have been dealing with a messed up ankle since OCTOBER OF 2009!!!!  I AM TIRED!!!!! STOP RAISING MY HOPES!!!!!!

Okay...

Good things:

The bone is filling in;

I can put all my weight on my left side;

We no longer have to rotate my bone...the left leg is nice and straight;

My pin sites continue to look good...I can continue w/ maintenance;

I can continue to shower and get frame wet;

My next appointment is in two weeks...we will revisit everything.

I am still pissed...I don't think all that listing helped much. And on top of all of that, my doctor had the nerve to say I would probably have to permenatly go back into a leg brace when this was all said and done.  Really???  I was never so disillusioned that I thought he was going to make my leg completely normal.  I simply want my leg back to the days before my dislocated ankle.  I was not expecting a miracle...I gave up on that a long time ago.  I know that may sound self defeating, but God answered my prayers of healing in a different way.  HE blessed me with the ability to live despite my disability and has guided me every step of the way.  I was never looking for my doctor to act as a god. I truly like my doctor, but really?

I am tired.  I have been sitting on the sidelines for four months.  I have moved through being SERIOUSLY depressed, suicidal, and distant to now trying to reevaluate my life and figure what I hope to see happen in the second half of 2010.  I am saddened that I may have to return to something I wanted to walk away from, but maybe going back will lead me through the door I so want to get to.  Maybe.

Six more weeks. Whatever.

The "B-word"

Goal: shower and get ready to go to my mom's

Tomorrow is another doctor's appt.  I get so anxious about them because I never know what the outcome will be.  I don't mean to be pessimistic, but this situation brings that characteristic out in me.  I've had my hopes up before they came crashing down so I just wait and hope and pray for the best.

I usually try not to talk about the stuff I miss on the outside, but I have been thinking about the outside world a lot lately.  It's not that I am tied up, trapped in a room, but it sure feels that way.  I am so used to getting out, being apart of life.  I try not to let life pass me by.  And yet, I have been forced to take a hiatus.  I am thankful for my computers, the internet, my keyboard, the phone, and those who drop by, but, even still, there are many days I wish I could just hop in my car and drive...anywhere!

Being independent, having the ability to get around, is something I've never taken lightly.  When I was younger, it was thought that I might be always dependent on others.  With a little fight and much effort, I am glad to say dependence on others has not been my norm in life.  So when I do have extended periods in life in which my body decides to do its own thing, I feel so helpless and hate feeling like a burden.  And then I go to this negative place, "Who would want me now???"  I am not  married, no children, and feel like I am just floating out there.  God has placed people in my  life I can call on, for which I am TRULY thankful, but that feeling of being a burden is never far behind.

My dad called me a burden when I was about twelve and it has stayed with me.  I have worked on this issue, but being physically impaired puts me back in that negative space.   It's a trip. 

Whew.  I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now.  I think I am just scared about tomorrow, the future, when this ordeal will come to an end.  My best friend's husband always reminds me that there is a beginning and an end to everything--I am ready for this to end.

A sleepy day...

Post was meant for 4-5-10

Goal: there wasn't one for the day.

I did not wake up until 1:14p.m.  I thought it was a mistake at first, but then i checked the time on my cell phone, and sure enough, it was 1:14 in the afternoon.  I haven't slept that late in a very long time.  I jumped up feeling ashamed of having slept the day away. But, after some thought, where did I have to run off to??? Hmmm.

Last night I had difficulty finding sleep.  Although my dear heart was here, I tossed and turned, hoping to find comfort.  My left leg was suffering from mini spasms, making it difficult for me to get comfortable.  My leg felt like it was jumping from the inside out. I felt so bad because I wanted to sleep and didn't want to keep my dear heart awake.  As the 1:00 a.m. hour approached, I popped two Tylenol 3s.  The next thing I know, I was saying good morning, good bye, and close the door at 7:20 a.m.;

Easter Eve...

Goal: ???

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  I miss the old days when my family was more united and we celebrated Easter as a family by going to brunch and fellow shipping.  As the years have passed and we have moved in our own paths, we no longer celebrate together.

Anyway, tomorrow I will be home. It seems to take a lot of energy for me to keep my spirits up these days.  I will be sooooooo HAPPY when I am no longer fixed.