A Tuesday

Goal: Write a letter to my brother

I began my day by writing that letter to my brother.  I didn't have the words to do it last night, and I didn't want the week to get away from me so that was the FIRST thing of the day. My brother is having a difficult time in the ARMY and is wanting to come home.  He found out last week that he will get discharged in seven weeks.  I want him to hang in there.  My prayers and thoughts are with him as I wait for his return.

I am listening to music again - this was the first day in two weeks.  Being fixed has truly taken a toll on me.  I can be up one day, feeling positive and handling the events in stride, but, like a flip of a switch, I go from light to dark.  When the bottom of my frame came off two weeks ago, I went back to dark.  The pain, the discomfort, the despair, and the disbelief of this situation all came rushing back - I became stuck, unable to breathe.

In those moments, I can't focus.  I can't comprehend what joy or relief is.  I can't even think about the little things that make me happy.  In those moments, my dreams seem so far away.  In those moments, I feel like a failure - did I ever do ANYTHING of any value?  In those moments, I want to sleep; I want to hide; and I want to run away from this life. In those moments, all I feel is fearful.

Today I am starting to breathe again.  I am wanting to work on seeing where I wish to be by the close of the year.  Eight months of my life has been consumed with handling my physical.  I know this entire process will last a few months longer, but I want to feel as if I have some sense of me back.  Here's to finding me again.

O.M.G! The P*A*I*N...

Goal: Make it through the day

The doctor did take the bottom of my frame off yesterday - thank GOD -  but I was not expecting, nor was I warned about the pain that I would experience.

My goodness, this crap HURTS!  I am feeling all seven wires on the left side of my foot.  The wires anchoring my heal are the two which hurt the most.  The pain is constant - sitting or walking - there is pain.  Thinking about how much more pain there will be if I make an effort to get up to simply go to the bathroom, prevents me from moving.  After sleeping the day due to pain, I called my mom and asked if I could come back over.  

I am now sitting on  my mom's couch and actually feel better just because I am not alone. I was worried something else might be wrong but I am glad the pain is all there is.  Unfortunately, I am finding myself needing to take my heavy meds again...tylenol 3 and vicodin. Not to mention the 10-day cycle of antibiotics which I was told to begin yesterday. I hope this period is short lived because I am feeling as out of it as I did after my initial surgery.

It has taken me almost 2 hours to type this entry due to the meds, so I know it is time to say goodnight: "Nite Nite."