May 1st and still framed...

Goal: brush teeth, write letter to my brother...

I am still kicking it at my mom's.  I have one more day of these antibiotics, which have been kicking my butt and then I hope to feel some what better.  The new meds have also helped w/ the new pain which appeared after the bottom of my frame came off eleven days ago.  Although i am still experiencing pain, it is not as severe as it once was...thank goodness!  Over the last eleven days, I have been sick in the stomach, feeling crazy pain in my foot, and damn near in a zombie-like state from all these meds - what a roller coaster.

After receiving my first letter from  my brother who recently joined the Army on Tuesday, I have been wanting to write him back.  Wednesday through yesterday sucked, but I really wanted to write today so my mom could mail it out.  Pushing through the thought of sleeping from the meds, I was able to get out a two-page letter to him.  He is stationed in Georgia and missing civilian life, but holding up okay, yet I didn't want to neglect him for too long.

My dearest wants to visit me today but I'm nervous about seeing him so I'll probably pass on his visit.  I get so nervous about what he sees/thinks when he looks at me.  My unease causes me a lot of anxiety when I think of him sometimes and I feel bad because he has actually been around for a while.  (I always have these issues in relationships - how long will he be here?; will he stick around when it gets bad?) It just I don't know  how to say, "I'm scared."  In truth, he has seen more sides of me than others: injuries, tears, actual falling in front of him, and yet I'm still afraid of him walking away.

I'm afraid of being alone. Twice, I thought I'd make it down the aisle and twice it didn't happen to me.  And I am always left to wonder what part of me pushed them away. Hmph.