A Tuesday

Goal: Write a letter to my brother

I began my day by writing that letter to my brother.  I didn't have the words to do it last night, and I didn't want the week to get away from me so that was the FIRST thing of the day. My brother is having a difficult time in the ARMY and is wanting to come home.  He found out last week that he will get discharged in seven weeks.  I want him to hang in there.  My prayers and thoughts are with him as I wait for his return.

I am listening to music again - this was the first day in two weeks.  Being fixed has truly taken a toll on me.  I can be up one day, feeling positive and handling the events in stride, but, like a flip of a switch, I go from light to dark.  When the bottom of my frame came off two weeks ago, I went back to dark.  The pain, the discomfort, the despair, and the disbelief of this situation all came rushing back - I became stuck, unable to breathe.

In those moments, I can't focus.  I can't comprehend what joy or relief is.  I can't even think about the little things that make me happy.  In those moments, my dreams seem so far away.  In those moments, I feel like a failure - did I ever do ANYTHING of any value?  In those moments, I want to sleep; I want to hide; and I want to run away from this life. In those moments, all I feel is fearful.

Today I am starting to breathe again.  I am wanting to work on seeing where I wish to be by the close of the year.  Eight months of my life has been consumed with handling my physical.  I know this entire process will last a few months longer, but I want to feel as if I have some sense of me back.  Here's to finding me again.