It's OFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven days ago, my external frame was removed.  After five months and three days, my frame was removed - so why don't I feel happy?????

I have struggled emotionally this past week, hence a week without blogging.  Although I AM excited to have that heavy piece of plastic and metal off and out of my leg, I am fearful about my future self.  Can this happen to me again?

I know I am sounding like a broken record, as I've questioned my future before, but I am unable to shake this feeling.  

My doctor was very positive and reassuring regarding my healing process.  He is happy that I am willing to move at a conservative pace as I am wearing a walking cast for two weeks.  (My doctor was going to put me in something less supportive, enabling me to easily shower.)  I figure, after five months of hell, why would I rush the process now.  Really?  Now?  I don't think so.

I have to work my feelings out regarding everything I am going through.  I know this is not the end, but the beginning of the next phase of  my life.  I simply ask that God continue to guide me and direct me through this journey.

A Little Sad Today...

Today I am sad.  No one, particular incident occurred which I can blame for my state of mind, yet and still, I am sad today.

Part of me feels I should be happier since Friday will mark the removal of this frame, (I am claiming removal in the name of Jesus, Amen.) however, I can't find happiness at this moment.  Maybe I am thinking of all the things I now wish for my life, causing another level of sadness.  Maybe it's because I know I will have to release some things and some people in order to move forward, and knowing this makes me feel sad.  Maybe it's my anticipation for Friday - maybe.

In truth, I maybe sad because I am thinking of a future for myself and I still see myself alone.  I know that a relationship/marriage is not a fix all for life's unexpected turns, but now, more than ever before, I have a true desire to not walk through life alone.

I know Dearest is currently in my life, and for him I am thankful, however I am uncertain if there is a future with him.  He has walked this journey with me.  For five months, he has showed up - even when I didn't want him to.  We have shared laughs, I have shared some fears, and he has also wiped away my tears; for five months God granted me a shoulder to lean on.  If things could continue to be that simple, maybe I would be okay.  But, like most things in my life, things are not that simple.

I know God knows my heart, my desires, and my prayers.  I am looking forward to moving forward, I just know I need guidance and direction from above because I don't want to be sad anymore.

Five months and counting...

Today marked five months that I've been fixed to a frame!  I can't believe I am still fixed, but Lord willing, my ordeal will be over Friday.  It is late and I am drained, so I can't express all that I am feeling on this day, but know this experience has changed my life!

A future in fear....

I am sitting here listening to Mint Condition (HOT R&B group with various hits going back to the 80's) and thinking how I have four more days until my next surgical procedure.  As cool as I am working to be in the midst of all that is happening, I continue to find myself  anxious - not about surgery, but about the future me.

The "future me," hmmm.  Through-out this situation/process/experience, I feel as if I've lost a piece of myself.  I am not sure if I feel I've lost security in self, a sense of always being mobile, or if I've lost a sense of my free spirit.  I guess I just figured it out, I've lost a sense of my free spirit - the belief that I can still do most things.

 

Prior to this experience, I was a cautious person, simply because I knew I was vulnerable to falling and I had already had my share of negative experiences - things I truly did not want to repeat.  However, I don't think I lived in a fearful state, I was cautious but not fearful.  In truth, my biggest fear prior to this experience was walking/getting around when raining and although still difficult at times, I had made adjustments. (Rain was a key element involved the day I fractured my hip seven and a half years ago so rain has been an issue for me since that day.)  And yet today, I have a sense of fear about how I will look, develop, and evolve physically in the future.

With all that I warned about regarding Charcot-Marie-Tooth-Syndrome, a dislocated ankle, also known as Charcot Foot, was the one thing I was NEVER warned about.  And now, after reading of the symptoms and going through this experience, I worry daily about the right side of my body.   I worry daily that my body will give away again, and if that happens, what will happen to me???

Through-out this process, being alone has taken on an entirely different meaning for me.  My younger self never imagined I would not be married/with family at 36, and yet, that sums up a significant piece of my life.  Scary - very scary. 

Floating thoughts...

Today, I find it difficult to blog because I have so many thoughts floating around: Friday's outcome; my future mobility; my future employment; and the ability to continue pursuing my dream.  As the day ticked away, I found myself in a weird trance-like state.  I don't think I was stuck in sadness, but I truly don't know which other word to use.  Being fixed to a frame for five months places so much stuff on your heart.  I find that I have all these desires but am unable to pursue them because of the state I am in.  Now that this phase of my journey may be over, I worry about re-claiming the  life I once had, and in truth, I want to make my life better.

I know that there is a purpose for my life and a future not yet  known to me.  I just ask God to allow me to hear His voice as he provides me direction to find it.

Emotional Roller Coaster...

Yesterday was an exhausting day emotionally.  I was tense all morning as I awaited my doctor's decision about progressing with surgery to remove the frame from my left leg - I was a MESS!!!

 

I cried when the doctor said he would move forward with the surgery scheduled for Friday, May 21st.  I cried tears of joy at the fact that this phase of my life might be over in seven days - SEVEN DAYS!!!  I exhaled as I cried while sitting on the exam table.  For the first time in months, I felt RELIEF.

However, as always, my visit was not simple and straight forward.  I was cautioned that while under anesthesia, my leg will be examined, checking bone strength and stability.  If my bone is as strong as it appears on the x-ray, the frame will be removed and I will move into a splint until my pin sites close. If, however, my bone is  not, the frame will be revised and I will stay in it for a while longer.  I PRAY FOR TOTAL REMOVAL!!!!

Knowing God is in control of all things, I feel a little less anxious today.  I am always nervous about having surgery - I get emotional just thinking about it - but I feel/believe that this phase will be over in seven days.  I'm a very emotional person, in case I never stated this fact, so I know my mood will vary over the next several days.  However, I  will work to keep two facts in mind: "God meets your needs;" and "I am healed in Jesus' name." Amen...AMen...AMEN!!!

In Anticipation...

Goal: shower, pack, prepare to go to mom's house

I am ready to go off w/ my mom again as I have another doctor's appointment in the morning.  I am working on staying positive, allowing nothing to way my spirits down, for tomorrow I await the verdict: removal surgery - yes or no.

As I look at my leg, I feel it is time to remove this frame.  I feel it is time to move into the next phase of recovery.  I have my pain under control and have been able to walk on the bottom of my foot for a week w/out discomfort.  I feel God has favor upon me and will allow this phase of my journey to come to an end.

"Lord, I come to you asking forgiveness.  I come seeking your mercy and strength. I ask that my healing be complete for this frame to be removed. I ask for mental help so I can continue to process the events as they unfold before me.   I ask that you hold me in your favor, letting your will be done.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

HE soothed my heart today...

When I woke up this morning, I truly felt overwhelmed.  Looking around at the disarray my house was in sent me a little over the edge and I knew it was time to reach out.  I called my hairdresser/friend/mother figure because she told me a long time ago to call her if I was ever in need of assistance.  Being the independent nature type that I am, I sometimes find it difficult to reach out, but today I did.

During our conversation, she informed me she would be over on Saturday to clean up and organize some things for me and she also shared that she wanted to bring some water for me to drink, which she felt was more holistic than than the  bottle water in the store.  Uncertain if she would bring it before Saturday, she told me she would call me when she might be able to bring it over.  

She showed up around 4 pm today with her husband and the water in tow.  After setting the water up, we joined hands and they prayed for me.  Her husband asked the Lord for forgiveness and guidance...he asked the Lord for "blessings we aren't able to say...." and he asked for thanks.  As he prayed this prayer, I felt the tears  roll down my face.  At first, they were a few but later grew into a steady stream.  As the tears poured out, I felt my heart open up and and there was an energy that pulsated through me at the same time.  I hadn't felt this sensation in years.

I am usually moved with prayer, but now I know what they mean when people say, "prayer warriors."  The couple that prayed over me today were just that - warriors walking in the word.  As the prayer began to end, her husband started chanting and the chant turned into the phrase, "Be encouraged."  Her husband informed me that the message coming through was for me to be encouraged because God is not finished with me yet.  

Before they left, they shared some words for praise if ever I feel despaired and told me to just continue to praise HIM because HE knows everything I need and my blessing is already being worked.  After hugging them goodbye, I felt relieved and exhausted.  Truly taking your burdens to the Lord is an emotionally draining experience - it is a new start.

I am thankful God directed me to pick up the phone his morning.  As my uncle once told me, "A closed mouth doesn't get feed."  I guess you can say the same about your spirit - a closed heart gets no healing.  

Thank you for my healing and my new beginning.

A Tuesday

Goal: Write a letter to my brother

I began my day by writing that letter to my brother.  I didn't have the words to do it last night, and I didn't want the week to get away from me so that was the FIRST thing of the day. My brother is having a difficult time in the ARMY and is wanting to come home.  He found out last week that he will get discharged in seven weeks.  I want him to hang in there.  My prayers and thoughts are with him as I wait for his return.

I am listening to music again - this was the first day in two weeks.  Being fixed has truly taken a toll on me.  I can be up one day, feeling positive and handling the events in stride, but, like a flip of a switch, I go from light to dark.  When the bottom of my frame came off two weeks ago, I went back to dark.  The pain, the discomfort, the despair, and the disbelief of this situation all came rushing back - I became stuck, unable to breathe.

In those moments, I can't focus.  I can't comprehend what joy or relief is.  I can't even think about the little things that make me happy.  In those moments, my dreams seem so far away.  In those moments, I feel like a failure - did I ever do ANYTHING of any value?  In those moments, I want to sleep; I want to hide; and I want to run away from this life. In those moments, all I feel is fearful.

Today I am starting to breathe again.  I am wanting to work on seeing where I wish to be by the close of the year.  Eight months of my life has been consumed with handling my physical.  I know this entire process will last a few months longer, but I want to feel as if I have some sense of me back.  Here's to finding me again.

Back at home...the countdown begins

Goal: Make it through the day...
  
I came home last night after being at my mom's for two weeks.  I  must say, being at home has its own rewards: my bed (love my bed), my scents, and my stuff.  However, being at home also reminds me how alone I sometimes feel and I wonder if this feeling will ever go away.


Dearest came over last night...sleeping in his embrace is a gift in itself.  (Maybe I came home just to feel that again.  Hmm.) He was well but after discussing his day, I was unable to bring myself to ask him what I've been  thinking about.  In the scheme of things, it may not be that important, but I'll work to talk to him in a couple of days.


As for the day, it's been slow.  I received another letter from my brother, so I will write him again today. I also need to order some music  off Amazon and I want it before the end of the week.  In all, things are slow.  My main thought is Friday's doctor's appointment.  I pray all is stable and there will be no delays affecting my surgery on May 21st.  I pray the removal of this frame goes well and my leg/foot/body heals with no issue.  I pray...I pray...I pray.  

I re-applied...

Goal: call my niece 


Today my niece turned 11!  It sounds so strange because I remember when my sister informed me she was expecting.  Eleven years ago today, Miss Nicole blessed us with her presence and for that, I am thankful.  I called my niece after she got out of school.  She reported having a good day and was on her way to the mall to shop and hang out w/ her friend (how early it begins LOL). 


My day was pretty slow.  I re-applied for a position w/ my former employer. I am thankful to have a job to return to in this economy and with my medical concerns as they stand at this time. I have prayed for direction and guidance, but I think I need to pray for peace regarding my decision. 

My prayer...

Goal: Pin care

Today was a "blah" day. My meds made me sick once again. I am once again feeling anxious and ready for this phase of my life to be over.  Today, I prayed for meditation.  My prayer reads below:

"Lord, I come to You with a humble heart. I ask that You massage my heart, ease my fears, and dry my tears. I pray today for forgiveness: forgive myself for all the negative thoughts which plague me. I pray for healing: for my body, mind soul, and my mind. I pray for openness: open my heart and mind to hear Your words and understand their meaning. I pray for love: to give it genuinely as well as learn how to receive it when given. I pray for my family: continue to wrap them in Your bosom. I pray for Dearest: thank You for bringing him into my life. Help me to accept that blessing. I pray for direction. I pray for my life: grant me guidance as I work to be the person You will me to be. This I pray today, in Jesus name, Amen."

A Day In Solvang...

Goal: Enjoy the day trip...

For an early Mother's Day Celebration, me, my mom, and my second mom spent drove up to Solvang for brunch and some fun at Chumash Casino.  Although my mom had to drive (driving is my thing and I have missed doing it), the day was fun.

I treated the ladies to brunch a Paula's Pancake House - best Danish pancakes ever!  I first discovered this spot last August when I spent a weekend in Solvang.  The shop is very cute with patio and indoor dining and an overall Dutch feel.  The food was great and both ladies enjoyed their meals.  Tip: this place closes daily at 3 p.m., so don't  be left out.

After a mini-car tour around town, we headed over to Chumash for fun and games.  Although we had fun, the games at this casino left some to be desired.  My mom was the big winner with her penny slot wins (LOL).  The casino overall is nice...medium size and cool layout.  The staff was friendly as we had to use a house wheelchair for me to be able to get around and they were very helpful. Fortunately, we left the casino while we were still able to walk out of there w/ $$$ in our pockets.  *smile*

The drive both coming and going was nice: great scenery, nice company, and high spirits.  After dropping my second mom off, we made it back to Long Beach just before 11 p.m.  I am tired but wanted to share the day...good nite.

Another framed day...

Goal: brush teeth, pay car insurance, contact M.A.O.

I met the goals of the day and talked with a few people I hadn't spoken to in a couple of weeks.  It is amazing how much pain can alter your life: in an instant, you are brought to your knees, unable to do or focus on any positive aspect of what was once a "normal" life.

Today, I am thankful that the incredible pain of twelve days ago has decided to remove itself from my body.  I am now on two Norcos a day (down from six) and can take a step w/out tears wanting to uncontrollably fall down my face.  I am so ready for this roller coaster ride to come to an end.

I was also contacted by my former employer with an official job offer.  Again, I am thankful that they want me back but my anxiety has not subsided.

So much has changed since I've been fixed to this frame: my cousin has died, babies have been born, babies have been conceived, various holidays have passed, my mom has moved, friends have broken up, friends have began new relationships, and I have witnessed most of this from the sidelines. I feel myself getting excited because the end of being fixed to this frame is finally near (I have a date, but will not share it yet) but I am so anxious about the next half of this year - what will I do?; what will I be able to do????

These are simply random thoughts for this day.  I feel so much inside but am unable to verbalize it all.  I should be use to this as this happens frequently.  No point of dragging this blog on...have a good evening.

He knows me well...

Goal: didn't have one today

Dearest came by for a visit today.   In truth, he just left my mom's.  It is so funny because when I believe he has stopped caring or is no longer in tune to me, he shows the direct opposite. Today, for instance, he sent a text asking, "How are you feeling today?"  When I responded that I was doing "better," he followed with, "I'm coning to see you."  I laughed because he asked no permission and gave me no options/opportunity to back out of a visit.  I was like, "slick move." (I know I could have made up an excuse, avoiding seeing him again today, but, in truth, I wanted to see my dearest.)

Our visit lasted a few hours as he was on his hog and needed to get back before it  got dark (didn't have his night gear - safety first!) but it was nice.  It had been eleven days since we last saw another and he questioned me upon walking in the house: "What meds are you on?"; "Let me see them;" "Are you okay now?"  I wasn't expecting that from him, but of course I answered every question he had.

He is really a friend whom I value.  I value that we once again can talk like buddies as well as discuss some things dear to our hearts.  I have yet to find the words to tell him I am scared, but I am wanting to work on not pushing him away and being in the present.  I am also not sure how we will evolve, but I am glad he is still here and wants to be around.

Before he gave me my hug of the night, he said, "You have got to hurry up and get better."  (I know.)  We were discussing a few runs we want to do once better.  I know what this has done to me, but I don't know what watching my experience has done to him.  I sometimes wonder but I know I'll never know for sure.  Just trust dearest, I will and want to get better. Hugs!

May 1st and still framed...

Goal: brush teeth, write letter to my brother...

I am still kicking it at my mom's.  I have one more day of these antibiotics, which have been kicking my butt and then I hope to feel some what better.  The new meds have also helped w/ the new pain which appeared after the bottom of my frame came off eleven days ago.  Although i am still experiencing pain, it is not as severe as it once was...thank goodness!  Over the last eleven days, I have been sick in the stomach, feeling crazy pain in my foot, and damn near in a zombie-like state from all these meds - what a roller coaster.

After receiving my first letter from  my brother who recently joined the Army on Tuesday, I have been wanting to write him back.  Wednesday through yesterday sucked, but I really wanted to write today so my mom could mail it out.  Pushing through the thought of sleeping from the meds, I was able to get out a two-page letter to him.  He is stationed in Georgia and missing civilian life, but holding up okay, yet I didn't want to neglect him for too long.

My dearest wants to visit me today but I'm nervous about seeing him so I'll probably pass on his visit.  I get so nervous about what he sees/thinks when he looks at me.  My unease causes me a lot of anxiety when I think of him sometimes and I feel bad because he has actually been around for a while.  (I always have these issues in relationships - how long will he be here?; will he stick around when it gets bad?) It just I don't know  how to say, "I'm scared."  In truth, he has seen more sides of me than others: injuries, tears, actual falling in front of him, and yet I'm still afraid of him walking away.

I'm afraid of being alone. Twice, I thought I'd make it down the aisle and twice it didn't happen to me.  And I am always left to wonder what part of me pushed them away. Hmph.