It's OFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven days ago, my external frame was removed.  After five months and three days, my frame was removed - so why don't I feel happy?????

I have struggled emotionally this past week, hence a week without blogging.  Although I AM excited to have that heavy piece of plastic and metal off and out of my leg, I am fearful about my future self.  Can this happen to me again?

I know I am sounding like a broken record, as I've questioned my future before, but I am unable to shake this feeling.  

My doctor was very positive and reassuring regarding my healing process.  He is happy that I am willing to move at a conservative pace as I am wearing a walking cast for two weeks.  (My doctor was going to put me in something less supportive, enabling me to easily shower.)  I figure, after five months of hell, why would I rush the process now.  Really?  Now?  I don't think so.

I have to work my feelings out regarding everything I am going through.  I know this is not the end, but the beginning of the next phase of  my life.  I simply ask that God continue to guide me and direct me through this journey.

A Little Sad Today...

Today I am sad.  No one, particular incident occurred which I can blame for my state of mind, yet and still, I am sad today.

Part of me feels I should be happier since Friday will mark the removal of this frame, (I am claiming removal in the name of Jesus, Amen.) however, I can't find happiness at this moment.  Maybe I am thinking of all the things I now wish for my life, causing another level of sadness.  Maybe it's because I know I will have to release some things and some people in order to move forward, and knowing this makes me feel sad.  Maybe it's my anticipation for Friday - maybe.

In truth, I maybe sad because I am thinking of a future for myself and I still see myself alone.  I know that a relationship/marriage is not a fix all for life's unexpected turns, but now, more than ever before, I have a true desire to not walk through life alone.

I know Dearest is currently in my life, and for him I am thankful, however I am uncertain if there is a future with him.  He has walked this journey with me.  For five months, he has showed up - even when I didn't want him to.  We have shared laughs, I have shared some fears, and he has also wiped away my tears; for five months God granted me a shoulder to lean on.  If things could continue to be that simple, maybe I would be okay.  But, like most things in my life, things are not that simple.

I know God knows my heart, my desires, and my prayers.  I am looking forward to moving forward, I just know I need guidance and direction from above because I don't want to be sad anymore.

Five months and counting...

Today marked five months that I've been fixed to a frame!  I can't believe I am still fixed, but Lord willing, my ordeal will be over Friday.  It is late and I am drained, so I can't express all that I am feeling on this day, but know this experience has changed my life!

A future in fear....

I am sitting here listening to Mint Condition (HOT R&B group with various hits going back to the 80's) and thinking how I have four more days until my next surgical procedure.  As cool as I am working to be in the midst of all that is happening, I continue to find myself  anxious - not about surgery, but about the future me.

The "future me," hmmm.  Through-out this situation/process/experience, I feel as if I've lost a piece of myself.  I am not sure if I feel I've lost security in self, a sense of always being mobile, or if I've lost a sense of my free spirit.  I guess I just figured it out, I've lost a sense of my free spirit - the belief that I can still do most things.

 

Prior to this experience, I was a cautious person, simply because I knew I was vulnerable to falling and I had already had my share of negative experiences - things I truly did not want to repeat.  However, I don't think I lived in a fearful state, I was cautious but not fearful.  In truth, my biggest fear prior to this experience was walking/getting around when raining and although still difficult at times, I had made adjustments. (Rain was a key element involved the day I fractured my hip seven and a half years ago so rain has been an issue for me since that day.)  And yet today, I have a sense of fear about how I will look, develop, and evolve physically in the future.

With all that I warned about regarding Charcot-Marie-Tooth-Syndrome, a dislocated ankle, also known as Charcot Foot, was the one thing I was NEVER warned about.  And now, after reading of the symptoms and going through this experience, I worry daily about the right side of my body.   I worry daily that my body will give away again, and if that happens, what will happen to me???

Through-out this process, being alone has taken on an entirely different meaning for me.  My younger self never imagined I would not be married/with family at 36, and yet, that sums up a significant piece of my life.  Scary - very scary. 

Floating thoughts...

Today, I find it difficult to blog because I have so many thoughts floating around: Friday's outcome; my future mobility; my future employment; and the ability to continue pursuing my dream.  As the day ticked away, I found myself in a weird trance-like state.  I don't think I was stuck in sadness, but I truly don't know which other word to use.  Being fixed to a frame for five months places so much stuff on your heart.  I find that I have all these desires but am unable to pursue them because of the state I am in.  Now that this phase of my journey may be over, I worry about re-claiming the  life I once had, and in truth, I want to make my life better.

I know that there is a purpose for my life and a future not yet  known to me.  I just ask God to allow me to hear His voice as he provides me direction to find it.

Emotional Roller Coaster...

Yesterday was an exhausting day emotionally.  I was tense all morning as I awaited my doctor's decision about progressing with surgery to remove the frame from my left leg - I was a MESS!!!

 

I cried when the doctor said he would move forward with the surgery scheduled for Friday, May 21st.  I cried tears of joy at the fact that this phase of my life might be over in seven days - SEVEN DAYS!!!  I exhaled as I cried while sitting on the exam table.  For the first time in months, I felt RELIEF.

However, as always, my visit was not simple and straight forward.  I was cautioned that while under anesthesia, my leg will be examined, checking bone strength and stability.  If my bone is as strong as it appears on the x-ray, the frame will be removed and I will move into a splint until my pin sites close. If, however, my bone is  not, the frame will be revised and I will stay in it for a while longer.  I PRAY FOR TOTAL REMOVAL!!!!

Knowing God is in control of all things, I feel a little less anxious today.  I am always nervous about having surgery - I get emotional just thinking about it - but I feel/believe that this phase will be over in seven days.  I'm a very emotional person, in case I never stated this fact, so I know my mood will vary over the next several days.  However, I  will work to keep two facts in mind: "God meets your needs;" and "I am healed in Jesus' name." Amen...AMen...AMEN!!!

In Anticipation...

Goal: shower, pack, prepare to go to mom's house

I am ready to go off w/ my mom again as I have another doctor's appointment in the morning.  I am working on staying positive, allowing nothing to way my spirits down, for tomorrow I await the verdict: removal surgery - yes or no.

As I look at my leg, I feel it is time to remove this frame.  I feel it is time to move into the next phase of recovery.  I have my pain under control and have been able to walk on the bottom of my foot for a week w/out discomfort.  I feel God has favor upon me and will allow this phase of my journey to come to an end.

"Lord, I come to you asking forgiveness.  I come seeking your mercy and strength. I ask that my healing be complete for this frame to be removed. I ask for mental help so I can continue to process the events as they unfold before me.   I ask that you hold me in your favor, letting your will be done.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

HE soothed my heart today...

When I woke up this morning, I truly felt overwhelmed.  Looking around at the disarray my house was in sent me a little over the edge and I knew it was time to reach out.  I called my hairdresser/friend/mother figure because she told me a long time ago to call her if I was ever in need of assistance.  Being the independent nature type that I am, I sometimes find it difficult to reach out, but today I did.

During our conversation, she informed me she would be over on Saturday to clean up and organize some things for me and she also shared that she wanted to bring some water for me to drink, which she felt was more holistic than than the  bottle water in the store.  Uncertain if she would bring it before Saturday, she told me she would call me when she might be able to bring it over.  

She showed up around 4 pm today with her husband and the water in tow.  After setting the water up, we joined hands and they prayed for me.  Her husband asked the Lord for forgiveness and guidance...he asked the Lord for "blessings we aren't able to say...." and he asked for thanks.  As he prayed this prayer, I felt the tears  roll down my face.  At first, they were a few but later grew into a steady stream.  As the tears poured out, I felt my heart open up and and there was an energy that pulsated through me at the same time.  I hadn't felt this sensation in years.

I am usually moved with prayer, but now I know what they mean when people say, "prayer warriors."  The couple that prayed over me today were just that - warriors walking in the word.  As the prayer began to end, her husband started chanting and the chant turned into the phrase, "Be encouraged."  Her husband informed me that the message coming through was for me to be encouraged because God is not finished with me yet.  

Before they left, they shared some words for praise if ever I feel despaired and told me to just continue to praise HIM because HE knows everything I need and my blessing is already being worked.  After hugging them goodbye, I felt relieved and exhausted.  Truly taking your burdens to the Lord is an emotionally draining experience - it is a new start.

I am thankful God directed me to pick up the phone his morning.  As my uncle once told me, "A closed mouth doesn't get feed."  I guess you can say the same about your spirit - a closed heart gets no healing.  

Thank you for my healing and my new beginning.

A Tuesday

Goal: Write a letter to my brother

I began my day by writing that letter to my brother.  I didn't have the words to do it last night, and I didn't want the week to get away from me so that was the FIRST thing of the day. My brother is having a difficult time in the ARMY and is wanting to come home.  He found out last week that he will get discharged in seven weeks.  I want him to hang in there.  My prayers and thoughts are with him as I wait for his return.

I am listening to music again - this was the first day in two weeks.  Being fixed has truly taken a toll on me.  I can be up one day, feeling positive and handling the events in stride, but, like a flip of a switch, I go from light to dark.  When the bottom of my frame came off two weeks ago, I went back to dark.  The pain, the discomfort, the despair, and the disbelief of this situation all came rushing back - I became stuck, unable to breathe.

In those moments, I can't focus.  I can't comprehend what joy or relief is.  I can't even think about the little things that make me happy.  In those moments, my dreams seem so far away.  In those moments, I feel like a failure - did I ever do ANYTHING of any value?  In those moments, I want to sleep; I want to hide; and I want to run away from this life. In those moments, all I feel is fearful.

Today I am starting to breathe again.  I am wanting to work on seeing where I wish to be by the close of the year.  Eight months of my life has been consumed with handling my physical.  I know this entire process will last a few months longer, but I want to feel as if I have some sense of me back.  Here's to finding me again.

Back at home...the countdown begins

Goal: Make it through the day...
  
I came home last night after being at my mom's for two weeks.  I  must say, being at home has its own rewards: my bed (love my bed), my scents, and my stuff.  However, being at home also reminds me how alone I sometimes feel and I wonder if this feeling will ever go away.


Dearest came over last night...sleeping in his embrace is a gift in itself.  (Maybe I came home just to feel that again.  Hmm.) He was well but after discussing his day, I was unable to bring myself to ask him what I've been  thinking about.  In the scheme of things, it may not be that important, but I'll work to talk to him in a couple of days.


As for the day, it's been slow.  I received another letter from my brother, so I will write him again today. I also need to order some music  off Amazon and I want it before the end of the week.  In all, things are slow.  My main thought is Friday's doctor's appointment.  I pray all is stable and there will be no delays affecting my surgery on May 21st.  I pray the removal of this frame goes well and my leg/foot/body heals with no issue.  I pray...I pray...I pray.  

I re-applied...

Goal: call my niece 


Today my niece turned 11!  It sounds so strange because I remember when my sister informed me she was expecting.  Eleven years ago today, Miss Nicole blessed us with her presence and for that, I am thankful.  I called my niece after she got out of school.  She reported having a good day and was on her way to the mall to shop and hang out w/ her friend (how early it begins LOL). 


My day was pretty slow.  I re-applied for a position w/ my former employer. I am thankful to have a job to return to in this economy and with my medical concerns as they stand at this time. I have prayed for direction and guidance, but I think I need to pray for peace regarding my decision. 

My prayer...

Goal: Pin care

Today was a "blah" day. My meds made me sick once again. I am once again feeling anxious and ready for this phase of my life to be over.  Today, I prayed for meditation.  My prayer reads below:

"Lord, I come to You with a humble heart. I ask that You massage my heart, ease my fears, and dry my tears. I pray today for forgiveness: forgive myself for all the negative thoughts which plague me. I pray for healing: for my body, mind soul, and my mind. I pray for openness: open my heart and mind to hear Your words and understand their meaning. I pray for love: to give it genuinely as well as learn how to receive it when given. I pray for my family: continue to wrap them in Your bosom. I pray for Dearest: thank You for bringing him into my life. Help me to accept that blessing. I pray for direction. I pray for my life: grant me guidance as I work to be the person You will me to be. This I pray today, in Jesus name, Amen."

A Day In Solvang...

Goal: Enjoy the day trip...

For an early Mother's Day Celebration, me, my mom, and my second mom spent drove up to Solvang for brunch and some fun at Chumash Casino.  Although my mom had to drive (driving is my thing and I have missed doing it), the day was fun.

I treated the ladies to brunch a Paula's Pancake House - best Danish pancakes ever!  I first discovered this spot last August when I spent a weekend in Solvang.  The shop is very cute with patio and indoor dining and an overall Dutch feel.  The food was great and both ladies enjoyed their meals.  Tip: this place closes daily at 3 p.m., so don't  be left out.

After a mini-car tour around town, we headed over to Chumash for fun and games.  Although we had fun, the games at this casino left some to be desired.  My mom was the big winner with her penny slot wins (LOL).  The casino overall is nice...medium size and cool layout.  The staff was friendly as we had to use a house wheelchair for me to be able to get around and they were very helpful. Fortunately, we left the casino while we were still able to walk out of there w/ $$$ in our pockets.  *smile*

The drive both coming and going was nice: great scenery, nice company, and high spirits.  After dropping my second mom off, we made it back to Long Beach just before 11 p.m.  I am tired but wanted to share the day...good nite.

Another framed day...

Goal: brush teeth, pay car insurance, contact M.A.O.

I met the goals of the day and talked with a few people I hadn't spoken to in a couple of weeks.  It is amazing how much pain can alter your life: in an instant, you are brought to your knees, unable to do or focus on any positive aspect of what was once a "normal" life.

Today, I am thankful that the incredible pain of twelve days ago has decided to remove itself from my body.  I am now on two Norcos a day (down from six) and can take a step w/out tears wanting to uncontrollably fall down my face.  I am so ready for this roller coaster ride to come to an end.

I was also contacted by my former employer with an official job offer.  Again, I am thankful that they want me back but my anxiety has not subsided.

So much has changed since I've been fixed to this frame: my cousin has died, babies have been born, babies have been conceived, various holidays have passed, my mom has moved, friends have broken up, friends have began new relationships, and I have witnessed most of this from the sidelines. I feel myself getting excited because the end of being fixed to this frame is finally near (I have a date, but will not share it yet) but I am so anxious about the next half of this year - what will I do?; what will I be able to do????

These are simply random thoughts for this day.  I feel so much inside but am unable to verbalize it all.  I should be use to this as this happens frequently.  No point of dragging this blog on...have a good evening.

He knows me well...

Goal: didn't have one today

Dearest came by for a visit today.   In truth, he just left my mom's.  It is so funny because when I believe he has stopped caring or is no longer in tune to me, he shows the direct opposite. Today, for instance, he sent a text asking, "How are you feeling today?"  When I responded that I was doing "better," he followed with, "I'm coning to see you."  I laughed because he asked no permission and gave me no options/opportunity to back out of a visit.  I was like, "slick move." (I know I could have made up an excuse, avoiding seeing him again today, but, in truth, I wanted to see my dearest.)

Our visit lasted a few hours as he was on his hog and needed to get back before it  got dark (didn't have his night gear - safety first!) but it was nice.  It had been eleven days since we last saw another and he questioned me upon walking in the house: "What meds are you on?"; "Let me see them;" "Are you okay now?"  I wasn't expecting that from him, but of course I answered every question he had.

He is really a friend whom I value.  I value that we once again can talk like buddies as well as discuss some things dear to our hearts.  I have yet to find the words to tell him I am scared, but I am wanting to work on not pushing him away and being in the present.  I am also not sure how we will evolve, but I am glad he is still here and wants to be around.

Before he gave me my hug of the night, he said, "You have got to hurry up and get better."  (I know.)  We were discussing a few runs we want to do once better.  I know what this has done to me, but I don't know what watching my experience has done to him.  I sometimes wonder but I know I'll never know for sure.  Just trust dearest, I will and want to get better. Hugs!

May 1st and still framed...

Goal: brush teeth, write letter to my brother...

I am still kicking it at my mom's.  I have one more day of these antibiotics, which have been kicking my butt and then I hope to feel some what better.  The new meds have also helped w/ the new pain which appeared after the bottom of my frame came off eleven days ago.  Although i am still experiencing pain, it is not as severe as it once was...thank goodness!  Over the last eleven days, I have been sick in the stomach, feeling crazy pain in my foot, and damn near in a zombie-like state from all these meds - what a roller coaster.

After receiving my first letter from  my brother who recently joined the Army on Tuesday, I have been wanting to write him back.  Wednesday through yesterday sucked, but I really wanted to write today so my mom could mail it out.  Pushing through the thought of sleeping from the meds, I was able to get out a two-page letter to him.  He is stationed in Georgia and missing civilian life, but holding up okay, yet I didn't want to neglect him for too long.

My dearest wants to visit me today but I'm nervous about seeing him so I'll probably pass on his visit.  I get so nervous about what he sees/thinks when he looks at me.  My unease causes me a lot of anxiety when I think of him sometimes and I feel bad because he has actually been around for a while.  (I always have these issues in relationships - how long will he be here?; will he stick around when it gets bad?) It just I don't know  how to say, "I'm scared."  In truth, he has seen more sides of me than others: injuries, tears, actual falling in front of him, and yet I'm still afraid of him walking away.

I'm afraid of being alone. Twice, I thought I'd make it down the aisle and twice it didn't happen to me.  And I am always left to wonder what part of me pushed them away. Hmph.

Between the pain and the drugs...

The only thing left to do is sleep...


 I still can't believe all this pain I am experiencing. It is very frustrating to say the least.  To come this far into the game just to feel like I am back at the beginning, makes me want to scream - D$%&&%M!!!


This is the first day in a couple of days that I've felt like sitting up to blog. I believe this has to do w/ my taking half the amount of Narco prescribed.  Although reducing the Narco has kept me more alert, it did not help well w/ the pain.  I am not sure what I may do tomorrow.  I kind of want to reduce my meds again tomorrow simply because I hate feeling like a space cadet.  I am truly nervous about this stage of the process because this experience is almost over and I don't want any setbacks.


God, please answer my need...I pray for complete healing...Thank you.

One step forward...several steps back

Goal: brush teeth

Yes. I have reverted back to the goals of yester-months - brush teeth.  Thankful that the bottom of my frame was removed three days ago, I am now faced with dealing w/ the pain which prevents me from functioning through-out the day, thus forcing me to get back to basics: brush teeth and possibly, wash face.

The Norco which was prescribed yesterday, works well but keeps me extremely drowsy. I don't mind sleeping, but I know it is a bit extreme and it also has my mom worried (sorry mom). I tried to take a lesser dosage of the Norco but that did not help w/ the level of pain.  I will most likely stay on the full dosage for a while before tailoring it down again. I just took another dose of meds but they haven't kicked in as I waited too long. I hopeful that I will feel some relief in the next 30 minutes.

I never imagined wearing this frame would bring so many ups and downs...so MANY!

Reframing_Part 7

Goal: move through the pain

Yesterday, I phoned my doctor and left him a message because of all the pain and discomfort I was having.  This morning, my doctor phoned and asked for me to come in for x-rays as there was a possibility my ankle could have shifted again - great! Thankfully, nothing shifted, but the possibility of infection was still a concern.  My doctor stated that this pain will last for a few days (I am thinking week) as my foot is getting use to having pressure applied to it once again.  The set of wires causing most of the pain was standard, per the doctor, so my pain seemed par for the course.  However, my doctor prescribed a stronger med (Norco) he hoped would bring some relief.  I popped two a couple of hours ago and I am feeling some relief, but then again, I have not applied any standing pressure to it.

My eyes are  barely staying open because of the Norcco and antibiotics.  I think I'll be a bit of a drugie for a few days until things stabilize. It's just hard being in constant pain, especially when I thought the worse was behind me.  Boy was I wrong! Anywho, I will stay strong and hold on. My meds are truly kicking in, so it's time for me to go - goodnight.

O.M.G! The P*A*I*N...

Goal: Make it through the day

The doctor did take the bottom of my frame off yesterday - thank GOD -  but I was not expecting, nor was I warned about the pain that I would experience.

My goodness, this crap HURTS!  I am feeling all seven wires on the left side of my foot.  The wires anchoring my heal are the two which hurt the most.  The pain is constant - sitting or walking - there is pain.  Thinking about how much more pain there will be if I make an effort to get up to simply go to the bathroom, prevents me from moving.  After sleeping the day due to pain, I called my mom and asked if I could come back over.  

I am now sitting on  my mom's couch and actually feel better just because I am not alone. I was worried something else might be wrong but I am glad the pain is all there is.  Unfortunately, I am finding myself needing to take my heavy meds again...tylenol 3 and vicodin. Not to mention the 10-day cycle of antibiotics which I was told to begin yesterday. I hope this period is short lived because I am feeling as out of it as I did after my initial surgery.

It has taken me almost 2 hours to type this entry due to the meds, so I know it is time to say goodnight: "Nite Nite."

The day after...The night before...

Goal: Rest!

My best friend went back to Ohio last night. I am so thankful that she had an opportunity to visit!  The visit was hectic as she had things to attend to, but the feel of joy, relief, belonging, and love were present at all times.

For both of us, this visit was a refueling of sorts.  She needed a break from the stressors of the new environment in which she is in, and I needed to be reminded as to why I needed to continue to stick around.  The initial hug said it all - relief!  Relieved to finally be in one-another's presence.

The few days we spent together were very full: night at the Bonaventure, drive up the coast, light shopping, late movie nights at the house, heart-to-heart conversations, breakfast w/ the girls, and finally, the dinner before her flight home.  Good times!

Tonight I am at my mom's as I have yet another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I am very prayerful that the bottom of my frame will be removed tomorrow.  I had a big let down two weeks ago as it was not removed as I was first told. If the bottom of my frame is removed tomorrow, I will feel I am one step closer to finally getting this thing off.  I feel my anxiety rising again, but I am still hopeful.  With fingers crossed, I log off!

I know why I woke up...

Goal:  See my best friend

Although I have been receivng various reminders off and on, at 9:52 a.m., I truly understood why I woke up from my December surgery - love.  I am not talking about romantic love, I am talking about pure, unconditional love.  I am talking about no-matter-what-happens-will-always-be there-for-you kind of love.  This morning, at 9:52 a.m., I understood why I woke up.

My best friend and god son arrived into L.A. at 11:30 p.m. last night. (I have not seen my best friend yet.  I will see her sometime tonight - can't wait!!!)  I have been imagining what it would be like to see my best friend after 7 months apart, but I never gave much thought to seeing my god son.  (Don't get me wrong, he, next to my niece, is a love of my life, but my best friend still holds first place.)  So I was not prepared for how emotional I became this morning when hearing his little voice and excitement come through the phone.  When his Nana announced, "Gaga's  (that's me) on the phone," he responded, "I'm in California Gaga! I'm gonna see you!" Can you say, melted heart??? Not only was I going to see my best friend but her child, a true reflection of her love and friendship - what more could one ask?

When he and his Nana arrived, I heard him before I saw him, "Gaga!"  As quickly as I could, I made my to the front room.  He started running towards me and then stopped when he noticed the frame.  Smiling, I kept my eyes on his and said, "It's okay. I'm still the same Gaga." His smile re-appeared and his run was replaced by a quick walk, but, as always, he hugged me head first on my right leg.  After a slew of questions beginning with "What happened?" and "Why?," Gaga and god son where as one.  His questions were soon replaced with, "I'm happy Gaga."  Need I say it? Gaga was happy too. *smile*

I have been thankful for so much through-out this process: my mom, my sister and her family traveling down at Christmas, my dearest, my FB family who show love through cyber space, my friends (both new and old, and newly reconnected), the medical support staff who cheer me up at medical appointments, family, extended family, blogging, music, my computer which keeps me connected to the world, the sanctity of my house, God (even though I had to find my way back to him), and meds.  With that being said, I was never thankful for a second chance.  This morning, at 9:52 a.m., I was thankful to have a second chance.

"Hair DID!"

Goal: get my hair done today...

Okay, I know why they say, "It must be the hair."  *hahaha*  It felt good being in a styling chair again.  Although, it was not my hair dresser, I still enjoyed the day.  I also got my eye brows waxed.  I had to have a semi-complete look.  *smiles.  I haven't had a day hanging w/ my mom at the salon in a very long time, so that also made the day/time enjoyable.  I am looking forward to being cute for a few days: hair DID, best friend in town, still fixed to a frame, but it's on and popping!  Here's to the start of a great weekend!

A Wednesday Surprise...

goal: have a good day

i must admit, today was/is a good day.  the true surprise of the day is i am getting my braids taken down (thanks mom!) and will get my hair DONE tomorrow!  ("DONE," for those who don't know, mean I will be going to the hair dresser for a wash, deep condition, and flat iron. I would like a perm, but I can't do that as I have been scratching my scalp w/ these braids.)  At any rate, I am excited.  I haven't been to a hair dresser since December, and under "normal" circumstances, I have a bi-monthly STANDING appointment.  I won't be going  to my hair dresser, I am going to my mothers', but at this point, it is ALL GOOD. *smile*

I am actually w/ my mom now at her place.  She finally has wireless set up in her home - YIPPE! The light is not on for some reason, so I'm typing in the dark and it's getting old. Mom is on the phone so her focus is elsewhere.

Well, I'll check in tomorrow and will share about the hair...nite...nite.

Considering the road ahead...

Goal: Didn't make one today

Today was pretty laid back.  I seem  to be in a reflective state of mind.  Yesterday, I assisted my former employer in training a new research team for a project they will be doing among Latino Males. The project will be facilitated out o Bienestar, a service agency in East Los Angeles.  They will be monitring medication adherence and and asking various stress related questions to 200 Latino Males living w/ HIV/AIDS.  My assistance was sought because I was apart of an earlier project which focused on African American Males.  Aside from having overall knowledge regarding the project design, I am versed in the study survey, the computer application, and other details from working directly w/ clients.  The day proved to be successful, yet long.

I actually felt good being able to assist the new research team.  It also felt good being needed and having the ability to perform.  I must admit, my former employer did all they could to get me to the training (provided transportation to and from, provided lunch, off course I will bill them for the time, and sprung for dinner), but it was worth it.  

There is a strong possibility that I will return to my former employer to facilitate a new research study.  I am a bit anxious about returning, but I think that is normal.  Right????  There are many factors I need to consider, but knowing I have a supportive environment (i.e. work hours, etc.) to return to makes some portions of my decision process easy.

Man.  I feel as though life has really thrown me a curve ball this time.  There's a lot I am not sayin, a lot I will never say so let's just say, this is one of those cross roads I initially talked about.

A quiet, framed Sunday

Goal: Goals seem to come hard these days



Today was a quiet day. I woke up, made a hot mocha, and climbed back in bed, settling on an old movie to watch. Today was one of those dreary days – cloudy with the feel of rainfall close behind. It was one of those days when staying tucked in the bed did not feel like such a crime.


After a couple of phone calls and the end of the morning movie, it was after noon and I made my way to the kitchen for an ice tea and a pre-made salad. Finding something entertaining on t.v.,I ate my salad and proceeded to pin care. The skin on my leg is looking very cracked. I am going to take a shower tonight; hopefully, that will help its appearance.


Bored w/ watching television, I made my way back into the bedroom and juiced up the laptop. Last night, I came up with a story idea so I wanted to flesh out the characters a little more. Be right back.


My sister just called – it’s always good to catch up with her. My niece called a little earlier today so I’ve spoken to mom and daughter. *smile* Looking at the news, I see that we are in for a nice Spring storm tonight into tomorrow morning. This is making me a bit anxious as I am scheduled to go to a meeting tomorrow. My old boss wants me to come back to work for them. They are offering more money and a higher position. Tomorrow’s meeting is to work out some bugs/meet with a new research team regarding a project they are doing with Latino Males. As I have a lot of experience, they want my input. Transportation is being provided as I have not driven since Thursday, December 17, 2009. I am just a little nervous about walking on this frame in the rain. Although the frame can get wet, I am worried about my ability to safely maneuver. I’ll be watching this rain closely through the morning.


I find myself missing my dearest. I’ll probably give him a call this P.M. Despite our ups and downs, when I’m next to him as nighttime falls, I know I’ll sleep well. Despite it all, his embrace relaxes me and comforts me because he holds me tight all through the night. It’s amazing when and how loves finds its way into your life. Ahhhh. Maybe I’ll blog more about love tomorrow.

God met my need...

Goal: Nothing set for today, but it took care of itself

The day got off to a good start: out of bed by 9 a.m., made breakfast, and sat down to a movie on the tub.  By noon, I found myself getting restless - the house was getting to me and had had an itch to get out.  I picked up the phone to call one of my girl friends (G), but decided it was cold out side and didn't want to deserve her on a Saturday if she was finding down time for herself.  Pushing the thought to get out of the house to the back of my mind, I made my way into the bedroom to count quarters (that's another story in itself).  Just when I was getting settled on the bed, my phone rang and it was the girl friend I was thinking of calling.  As my uncle reminded me yesterday, "God answers your needs."  *smile*

After an hour conversation, G decided she was coming down to get me and we would find something to get into on this Saturday.  What we got into was a Saturday drive.  We started out east on Pico Blvd., jumped on the 10 west just to make our way back towards the 110 south (construction...don't ask.), connected to the 105 east, to the 605 south, to the 405 south, to the 55 (towards Anaheim), found the 73 toll road (nice and scenic), and finally got off in Capistrano.  After rolling around on El Camino Rd to PCH, we drove past Dana Point, Solano Beach, and through other neighboring cities.  We finally found a Tommy's Resturant, a '60's diner off the 5 fwy.  

Tommy's was a nice find.  The decor included a juke box, various posters of the Rat Pack, old movie posters from that era, and what looked like magazine covers with various stars.  It was true '60's style!  The food was also very tasty.  I was in need for something different than what I am able to fix/make for myself these days, and Tommy's fit the bill.  I had a Gyro sandwich with hot seasoned fries...very good!  G had an interesting quesadilla which included bacon, chicken, cheese, chilles, mushrooms, and something else.  Yes; she enjoyed her meal too.  We both enjoyed their fresh brewed ice tea.  We enjoyed it so much, that we asked for to go cups to take our left over tea with us - yes, it was THAT good!  Oh yeah, we started our meal with an order of onion rings.  They were no Bubble Gump's rings (and haven't tried those, you are missing out), but they were HOT and nicely seasoned. Perfecto!

Our drive home was all freeway, but nice.  It was nice spending time w/ G.  We talked about men, reminisced about past road trips taken, and she helped process a decision I have to make.  (Thanks girl!) It's times like these when I am thankful for my friends - women who have been w/ me and seen me through good and bad times.  There is nothing like knowing you have people who truly know you and have your back w/out you voicing your need.

My time out today was very refreshing.  Although I am being strong and a big girl as I am handling this being home bound situation, I still need to be apart of the world and my outing today helped me to reconnect.

A Friday

 "God answers your needs."  Thank you Uncle David for this reminder.

The morning after another disappointment....

Goal: Face reality

Life is unfair...no promises and no guarantees. The only guarantee in life is change.

I woke up this morning and took a long look at my framed left leg. *Heavy Sigh*  After yesterday's disappointing news, I did not really know what or how to feel.  I trust that my doctor is taking his time to ensure that my leg, ankle, and bone heal beyond any doubt, for which I am thankful, but...

I calmed my spirit last night by taking my frustrations to the keyboard...music really does soothe the savage beast.  Although new to playing the keyboard, I was able to play the first verse of When the Saints Go Marching In.  (This goes back to my youth when I sang in the school and church choirs.)  I played the song several times using the organ sound on the keyboard.  Instantly, my spirit was put at ease.  The organ sound provided that richness for which the song implies and as I was singing along, my shoulders dropped, and I felt the tension and disappointment wane. 

I was able to retire to bed last night w/ prayer in my heart and feeling a little lighter.  I guess when I woke this morning, I was still in a state of wanting prayer for myself and my body.  I am not versed in the bible; I have never "studied" the book as I know a  good Christian should.  I know to go to the Bible and look in the index for verses related to a certain topic--at least I know that much!  I know that is sad, but that is where I am.

Usually, when I find myself in need of spiritual lifting, I reach for  a gospel song tucked in the corners of my mind.  Jesus, Your the Center of My Joy, is usually the first that comes out, followed by I Love You. After a few times, both  songs calm my spirit and remind me that I can move on.  Growing up, I always found my answer through the songs and that has stuck w/ me to this day.  Secular, Gospel, Traditional; music is music and I believe if you listen closely there can be a message found.  (Even now, I have the new Jaheim CD, Another Round, playing. This is a very smooth CD compared to his earlier CD's.  I should know, I have them all.  *hahahaha*  Seriously, it is nice.)  

Music, prayer, remembering that this situation will one day end, staying focused on my BFGFL's  arriving next week, knowing I have people I can call on, will help me move on.

Reframing_Part 6

Goal: doctor's appointment, post office, bank

I am PISSED!!!!!!  I have yet ANOTHER (at LEAST!) six MORE weeks to go with this damn frame on my leg!  In addition, the bottom of my frame was NOT removed as promised during my last visit.  Although the x-rays "looked good;" in fact, the doctor said, "I am happy with the x-rays.  The bone is filling in." Even with all the positive things he had to say, he will not move me along until my next visit. (Shit. The way things are going, I can't even hold on to that.)

I get that I need to be patient...I GET the doctor wants to "make sure" all is well; but DON'T KEEP getting my hopes up when you KNOW there is a GREATER chance that you may have to go back on your word!!!! At first, I was to be in a frame for three months, then I was given another six weeks, and now, I have ANOTHER six weeks added on.  I have been dealing with a messed up ankle since OCTOBER OF 2009!!!!  I AM TIRED!!!!! STOP RAISING MY HOPES!!!!!!

Okay...

Good things:

The bone is filling in;

I can put all my weight on my left side;

We no longer have to rotate my bone...the left leg is nice and straight;

My pin sites continue to look good...I can continue w/ maintenance;

I can continue to shower and get frame wet;

My next appointment is in two weeks...we will revisit everything.

I am still pissed...I don't think all that listing helped much. And on top of all of that, my doctor had the nerve to say I would probably have to permenatly go back into a leg brace when this was all said and done.  Really???  I was never so disillusioned that I thought he was going to make my leg completely normal.  I simply want my leg back to the days before my dislocated ankle.  I was not expecting a miracle...I gave up on that a long time ago.  I know that may sound self defeating, but God answered my prayers of healing in a different way.  HE blessed me with the ability to live despite my disability and has guided me every step of the way.  I was never looking for my doctor to act as a god. I truly like my doctor, but really?

I am tired.  I have been sitting on the sidelines for four months.  I have moved through being SERIOUSLY depressed, suicidal, and distant to now trying to reevaluate my life and figure what I hope to see happen in the second half of 2010.  I am saddened that I may have to return to something I wanted to walk away from, but maybe going back will lead me through the door I so want to get to.  Maybe.

Six more weeks. Whatever.

The "B-word"

Goal: shower and get ready to go to my mom's

Tomorrow is another doctor's appt.  I get so anxious about them because I never know what the outcome will be.  I don't mean to be pessimistic, but this situation brings that characteristic out in me.  I've had my hopes up before they came crashing down so I just wait and hope and pray for the best.

I usually try not to talk about the stuff I miss on the outside, but I have been thinking about the outside world a lot lately.  It's not that I am tied up, trapped in a room, but it sure feels that way.  I am so used to getting out, being apart of life.  I try not to let life pass me by.  And yet, I have been forced to take a hiatus.  I am thankful for my computers, the internet, my keyboard, the phone, and those who drop by, but, even still, there are many days I wish I could just hop in my car and drive...anywhere!

Being independent, having the ability to get around, is something I've never taken lightly.  When I was younger, it was thought that I might be always dependent on others.  With a little fight and much effort, I am glad to say dependence on others has not been my norm in life.  So when I do have extended periods in life in which my body decides to do its own thing, I feel so helpless and hate feeling like a burden.  And then I go to this negative place, "Who would want me now???"  I am not  married, no children, and feel like I am just floating out there.  God has placed people in my  life I can call on, for which I am TRULY thankful, but that feeling of being a burden is never far behind.

My dad called me a burden when I was about twelve and it has stayed with me.  I have worked on this issue, but being physically impaired puts me back in that negative space.   It's a trip. 

Whew.  I have so many thoughts going through my mind right now.  I think I am just scared about tomorrow, the future, when this ordeal will come to an end.  My best friend's husband always reminds me that there is a beginning and an end to everything--I am ready for this to end.

A sleepy day...

Post was meant for 4-5-10

Goal: there wasn't one for the day.

I did not wake up until 1:14p.m.  I thought it was a mistake at first, but then i checked the time on my cell phone, and sure enough, it was 1:14 in the afternoon.  I haven't slept that late in a very long time.  I jumped up feeling ashamed of having slept the day away. But, after some thought, where did I have to run off to??? Hmmm.

Last night I had difficulty finding sleep.  Although my dear heart was here, I tossed and turned, hoping to find comfort.  My left leg was suffering from mini spasms, making it difficult for me to get comfortable.  My leg felt like it was jumping from the inside out. I felt so bad because I wanted to sleep and didn't want to keep my dear heart awake.  As the 1:00 a.m. hour approached, I popped two Tylenol 3s.  The next thing I know, I was saying good morning, good bye, and close the door at 7:20 a.m.;

Easter Eve...

Goal: ???

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  I miss the old days when my family was more united and we celebrated Easter as a family by going to brunch and fellow shipping.  As the years have passed and we have moved in our own paths, we no longer celebrate together.

Anyway, tomorrow I will be home. It seems to take a lot of energy for me to keep my spirits up these days.  I will be sooooooo HAPPY when I am no longer fixed.

I had a much needed outing...

Goal: have a good day



I am just getting home from having a busy, some-what fun-filled two days with my mom. I left yesterday for my mom’s because I was hoping to see my sister as she was scheduled to travel down from Oakland, but she did not make it (that is another story).


Anyway, my mom and I spent last night taking a drive down the southern coast. She needed to debrief and I love the coast so it was a good fit. I was also able to show my mom two of my favorite places along the coast – one in Newport, the other in Laguna. Both of these areas are amazing! As with most beach cities, these cities house spectacular views of the ocean. They provide the perfect places to take a stroll, have a picnic, find inspiration, or cuddle with your boo. My mom was amazed an excited to learn of these new locations and vowed she would return.


In fact, she was so excited that we drove back out there today – she just HAD to see the view in the daytime! *hahahaha* It was cute. I, too, enjoyed the drive and the view.


After we finished the business of the day, we had dinner at CPK in Manhattan Beach. Both our meals were delicious and it was a great change of pace. *smile* Hours later, I am back at home in L.A. I am looking forward to being home tomorrow. There are a few calls I know I must make and I’ll do my best to face the business of the day. I will also hope to play my keyboard again. My keyboarding instruction book came in the mail and I am eager to use it as a guide.


I truly enjoyed getting out of the house, although I missed my sister. I am getting sooo used to being indoors these days that I forget how much I miss not being out. (I really don’t forget, I just play dumb. It’s easier for me to handle that way.) I am thankful for my much needed outing and can now make it until next week’s doctor’s appointment.

A wasted day - even for a framed girl!

Goal:  didn't have any today...

Today was an absolute bust!  After the dose of Vicodin kicked in this morning, I became sluggish, sleepy, an unexcited about the day. I was literally sitting on the couch ALL DAY!  I finally got off my booty at 7:45 PM, deciding enough was enough.  I took a shower in an effort to feel like I did SOMETHING today.  Although the shower felt nice, I have a serious headache and I feel kind of sick in the stomach.  I know its the Vicodin.  I just started retaking it a few days ago because I am running very low on my Tylenol 3.  I might need my dearest to do another med run.


Lacking energy really messed with my head.  I found myself falling back into that  dark place of fear, doubt, and uncertainty and I felt helpless.  I felt there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of that place.  

At the very least, I have now recorded this day.  I am also listening to my new Monica CD, Still Standing, which arrived today.  It is pretty nice thus far.  I'll let her tunes carry me off...

Now I am singing to the frame...

Goal: blog

I have felt guilty for missing two days of blogging, but I've been a little tired.  Yesterday, I took my morning meds before eating and I felt weird all day: foggy, light-headed, etc.

My keyboard actually arrived two days ago, which was exciting.  I opened it yesterday and found an on-line lesson guide to help me figure out what the heck I am suppose to do w/ it.  *hahahaha* (I took piano lessons when I was nine and never had the opportunity to finish them.  As I grew older, I didn't have the courage to pursue them - I'm over that now!)  I ordered some books from amazon, but they haven't arrived so I figured the internet could fill the void.

I found a few free lesson sites and I now know the number ad names of all fingers, the difference between moving up/down the keyboard, the name and locations of the keys, and how to play a rough version of the first 8 chords of Ode To Joy.  Hmmm...not bad.  Today, I am going to look up information about musical notes.

I also received feedback on the shows I submitted to my GM.  Although the quality was good, they weren't formatted correctly.  Who knew???  I have to add a few more commercials and cut the musical selection to 30 secs.  I'll probably rework those shows this weekend.

I did pin care and all looks/feels good with my leg.  I've been singing to it lately.  (No. It does not sing back.  *hahaaaha*)  The lyrics are as follows:

"Cartilage and bones, please fill in.

Cartilage and bones please fill in.

It may sound selfish, I know it's true,

But I want my leg back, yes, I do."

Have a great Saturday!!!

Happily Recording...

Goal: record, edit, and submit a show

I am a little out of it today.  I have had a light headache that has been with me most of the day.

I did meet my goal of the day.  After spending three hours recording and converting files, editing, and adjusting playback, I created a feature show worthy to be aired.  Using yousendit.com, I submitted my show for review.  I have not checked my email yet so I am not sure of the verdict, but I am proud of myself. 

I get such a rush after I put a show together!  A show begins as all these seperate tracks, either recorded or imputed in to the software, and it's up to you to make these tracks one flawless piece of work.  (I usually use two different softwares to complete my projects.) I usually get my inspiration after I record the script in front of me. It's not until I play the audio back two or three times that I pick up my inspiration for the song or commercial I will eventually add.  Once the song(s) and commercial(s) is/have been selected, I begin to hear in my my mind what I want the final sound to resemble: do I fade in?; do I fade out?; do I lower the volume?; etc. It really is an art form, requiring patience and an ear.

I am glad that I am finding my way back to working on these shows; if for no other reason than to keep my mind occupied with thoughts other than being fixed to a frame.  *haahaa* Eventually, I'll create a link to my website so people can hear the shows I create - that's actually a good idea.  Hmmm. Maybe a goal for tomorrow?????

And by the way, I am getting my music in for the day.  Today's selection: Jennifer Hudson.  I am listening to her as I blog.  *wink*

A delightfully framed day...

goal: wash linens

Today was exhausting!  (I already know that I will not be doing much movement tomorrow.)  Today, I stripped my bed and washed all the linen, not to mention I finished up another load of towels and sheets that were still in the washer.  Moving those items back and forth with the walker was no easy feet.  I worked to get the stuff cleaned because Mama Acey (my best friend's mom...aka...my second mom) was coming over to make my bed and deliver some groceries. (I feel guilty not being able to do some things, so I work hard to help when/how I can, but if I am no careful, I exhaust myself in the process.)

Once I stripped the bed, I laid all the new linen out so she would have easy access to everything.  When she arrived, she was like, "sit down!"  Everyone knows how difficult it is for me to ask for help.  (The b-word (burden) still haunts me.)  When everything was finished, we had an enjoyable visit, which was complete when my God-Father came over with seafood and pizza.  Talk about a variety of  food!  His stories  and antics about past relationships kept us laughing for a couple of hours.  At 69 years of age, he has had a very colorful life experience. 

It has been three hours since they left and after taking a much needed shower, I am now reflecting on what has been a delightful day.  I did not record anything today, but I did listen to music this morning and while showering.  I promise myself to inject music in my life everyday. 

Well,  that's it for tonight.  I'll probably research some stocks, check email, and finish another project I started a few days ago.  I am actually feeling tired and my foot is swollen so i don't know what I'll actually get done.  Good night...until tomorrow!

A Happy Monday Frame...

Goal: Record and edit one show


I hope your Monday was happy and lite.  I am happy to report that my spirits remain lifted and I continue to be focused on healing and keeping myself open to the music of the world.  *smiles*  As I am typing this blog, I have O'Bryan playing in the back ground.  He was a wonderful 80's crooner having hits such as, "You and I," "Together Always," and "Lady I Love You."  His music sends me back to the days of slow dancing at the high school dances.  Aww Man!  Those were the days...


My day started slow and I was a bit unenthused, so I wasn't sure if I would meet my goal.  Hwever, by five o'clock, I had recorded and edited a feature show ready to submit to my GM.  Yay!!!  Although it is only a 2-minute feature, I am excited to be finding my wings again.  You see my goal/dream in 2009 was to get certified in radio/broadcasting and begin working in the field.  In September of '09, I finished my training and recorded a demo.  (Although I learned a lot, I feel like the program left some things to be desired.) Anywho, I was accepted in a program at ARN that would provide more hands on training and possible advancement but then life stepped in and kicked my butt!


I was ready to throw in the towel, but my GM was and has been very supportive.  She encouraged me to not give up.  I have been feeling guilty for months because I hadn't had the motivation, desire, or drive to work on anything. Admittedly, depression got the best of me and I felt suspended in time--unable to move one way or the other.  Thankfully, I am starting to move.


I will not be presumptuous and say life is now perfect and I have no more worries/troubles/fears.  I am not a fool.  Realistically, my life is still a rollercoaster and I am not sure when this particular ride will end.  And yet, I am thankful that God has opened my ears allowing the music back in.  He has given my spirit some peace.


So, my goal has been met and my day was pretty good.  In fact, my BFGFL informed me that she and my God-son will be in town from April 15th - 19th! (They moved to Ohio in Sept. '09.)  She has been my best friend for 19 years and I miss her DEARLY!  I can't WAIT!

Moving this framed life along....

Goal: shower, listen to music, and try to record something


I am actually sitting at my desktop typing this blog.  It is relevant because I have been using my laptop since my surgery and my loved one bet that I would abandon my desktop now that I had a faster, newer, system in the laptop.  HaHa!  It just took time to get back to my baby, but I always knew I could never abandon her.  *smile*


I must admit, today has been emotionally light for me.  The heaviness which usually fills my heart has drfted by me; for that, I am truly thankful.  Although sleep was difficult to find last night, I didn't start the day wanting to sleep it away.  I made my regular breakast: two turkey patties, and english muffin, and mocha; took my meds; and watched a movie.  By one thirty, I was ready to take a much needed and longed for shower.  (Although the doctor cleared me to shower on Wednesday, I was still bleeding a lot from the area where the stiches were removed.  The techs advised me to wait a day or two.  I held out a little bit longer.)

Selecting Musiq to serenade me while showering, I began my hour showering process.  The shower was much needed and much enjoyed. *smile*  It is just something so therapuetic about water washing all the muck away.  Again, after showering, I felt lite and free.  (See my older blog regarding showering: http://fixedtoaframe-dsigma1922.blogspot.com/2010/02/showering-away-pain.html.)


Wanting to tackle life again, I started working on recording some feature shows to submit to my GM. It felt liberating and foreign recording again.  Even though I am working in the safety of my home, the butterflies have returned along with the doubtful questions: "Is my voice okay?;" "How was the delivery?;" "Should I do another take?" And yet, I feel like myself again.  I am not sure what will be completed tonight, but the victory lays in the fact that I am moving forward again.  Here's to Movement!

Framing it together with music

Goal: pin care and listen to MUSIC

Yes, today I continued on my path of rediscovering MUSIC!  After breakfast, pin care, and a morning movie, I moved back into the bedroom to lift my spirits with some tunes.  I first listened to a CD made by one of my ortho techs (thanks Tony!); it was a mixed CD complete with jazz, indie, and R&B.  That CD really put a positive vibe in the air.  While debating what to play next, I glanced over to right and, I SWEAR, I noticed my clock RADIO for then  first time in months!  (A RADIO has been an arm's reach from my bed since I positioned it there seven years ago, and I haven't thought to turn it on in two months -- what the hell????) After I tripping out for a few minutes,I turned it on and suddenly, the room was filled with my old friends:  Mary J. Blige, Luther Vandross, Stevie, Usher, and many others. Listening to music and surfing the internet -- feels like old times! *smiles*

It was four o'clock when I made my way into the kitchen.  I decided to make my spinach/crab dip.  Although this would take some effort, I would have more than enough for tonight and tomorrow.  A hefty portion of warm dip, tortilla chips, and something to drink will fill the tank every time.

It is now after 7 PM and I have eaten, watched a movie, and cat napped.  I have now made it back into the room, where I'll stay for the remainder of the evening.  I'll listen to some more  tunes and review my scripts for the feature shows I want to record next week. I feel like I am on the road to finding myself again. I hope my assessment is correct.  I'll just promise myself to take baby steps every day.  At the very least, I'll report my accomplishments or lack thereof in this blog.  

In all honesty, I am happy that I did not feel alone today.  Today, I heard the music and it caressed my heart.  Today I let the music in, tomorrow another day will begin.

Finding the music again...

Goal: do pin care



When I woke up this morning, I only had four things on my mind: fix breakfast, take pain meds, do my pin care, and get back in bed. As you can see, I had very low expectations for the day ahead. However, while watching television, I got inspired. (See, television isn’t ALL bad!) While watching Glitter (yes, the film that received horrible reviews from critics), I was inspired by the music from the film.


I know Glitter did not produce a grammy-winning soundtrack, but the movie featured one of my favorite artist, Mariah Carey. I love her voice, I am always moved by her story, and I think she is simply an awesome person. In fact, the only thing wrong with Glitter in my opinion is it was released as a feature film versus an HBO movie.


Anywho, while watching the movie, I found myself hearing music for the first time in a long time. It occurred to me that I have not been listening to music through-out this experience. I have not allowed myself the very thing that usually drives and guides me no matter what I am doing. As I sat listening to Mariah crooning on television, I was like, “Oh My God! I need to get back to basics. I need my music!”


After the movie went off, I made it back into the bedroom with two CDs in tow. Realizing ALL my Mariah Carey CDs are in my car which is parked in another city, I settled on Jagged Edge, The Hits. Jagged Edge has always had a smooth sound and this CD has all the songs I absolutely LOVE! When I popped the CD into my laptop, it was like being reconnected with an old flame. Hmmmmm. Music.


So I decided to get off my booty, and purchase a keyboard so I could bring my music to life. After two hours of surfing the net and reading reviews, and getting advice from two musicians, I purchased a Yamaha PSR-E223 61-Key Portable Keyboard from Guitar Center! Next week this time, I should have my new friend. I am truly excited because I researched keyboards almost a year ago but wasn’t too sure what I wanted. Now, I can challenge myself and put music to my lyrics. I know it won’t be easy, but I am ready!


After my purchase, I called the general manager at ARN-Anaheim and paid my outstanding fees for the feature shows I have not recorded. Speaking with her, I discovered I can still continue to record shows and work to submit them so I don’t lose my spot with the network. Great news all around! Now I have to find my scripts and get cracking.


As I stated earlier, I had very low expectations for the day but thankfully God had a different plan for me. I have been asking Him for direction and been praying for the ability to hear Him more clearly. Thank you God for hearing my prayers.

Reframing_Part 5

Goal: continue with new project…


I had yet another follow-up appointment yesterday and, for the first time, my appointment took less than 2 hours to complete. I couldn’t believe it! At 12: 15 (1 hour and 15 minutes after my appointment time), I was waving good bye to the techs and ready to leave. And by the way, my appointment went very well. My leg is still framed but is “on track” as far as the doctor is concerned. At this point, we are waiting for the bone to fill in. (Please fill in bone.) I have again been cleared to take showers and I am very thankful for that. I can/will cancel my home health nurse because I can clean my pins at this time and the struts no longer need to be rotated. As long as my leg continues to heal in its current position, the struts will not have to be changed. (Please stay in your current position.)

Although I like my nurse, I am glad that I can cancel home health and do some things on my own. Besides, I am only given 100 days per year of home health through my insurance, once they have been used, I would be billed $150.00 per visit. That’s too rich for my blood. At this rate, if something happens later, I can still access home health. (For the record, I am not planning for anything to happen.)

After mom and I left the doctor, we drove up the coast: Malibu, Camarillo, Ventura County! How I have missed the northern coast! I did not think mom would want to do this, but when she offered, it was cool. Once I moved to the back seat, so I could keep my leg elevated, it was an enjoyable drive for us both. I was excited to see the coast again, but it was a harsh reminder of how much I miss driving. I miss the ability to get up and drive the coast. And I am not saying this because I now regret not doing it, I actually miss driving the coast because I did it a lot!

Reminder: Don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today because tomorrow may never come or it may come too late.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day. Today I took it easy. My uncle came over today and we had a nice visit. I hadn’t seen him in a year. Life. Wait a minute, where was I? Today was good. It is almost 5:30 p.m. I’ll continue to work on my project tonight (I’ll share more about this later) and watch Flash Forward. Until tomorrow!

Is my deepest fear coming to life?

Goal: I am back to basics...let's just wake up and everything else is gravy.
I am starting to feel sorry for myself and it is not a great feeling. I am also feeling lost and very uncertain about who I am or who I will become after my frame comes off. Will I be independent again or is this a glimpse of what the rest of my life will be: homebound and constantly dependent on others? I know this may sound extreme, but after 27 years of fighting to maintain independence, it is scary when the day comes that your independent lifestyle is now in question.


Being diagnosed with CMT at nine, I was always made aware that my life would never be “normal.” In reality, most doctors could not tell me and my family what to expect or how things would manifest. Although we were given a general overview of the disease, the actual arrival and appearance of symptoms were always an uncomfortable surprise. Doctors, although supportive, would then prepare us for the worse and suggest what I may not be able to do, but at nine, who truly wants to always live by orders other than your parents’? For even their orders, we sometimes don’t want to follow. *wink*


My success in life has been a direct result of always doing what others (mostly doctors) said I would not be able to do. (Thankfully, my mom always supported my zest for life and was my accomplice for many, not all, of my endeavors.) I always prided myself on being a mover and shaker and being able to stand tall in the face of my physical adversity. But today, at this moment, I no longer feel like that woman.


This entire ordeal, including initial injury, cast, surgery, and now framed sentence time, has a running time of six months, two weeks, and counting. This entire ordeal has truly/ is truly wearing me out!!!!!


My biggest worry has always been being a burden to those whom I love and I fear that is what I have become. I fear that I will lose the one whom I love because I will now be seen as “damaged goods.” I fear that despite all the pushing I’ve done to not become impoverished and dependent, my life may be heading in that very direction.


I feel alone, afraid, week, and vulnerable, but who do I really tell that to and who will really hear me anyway?

Washing of the hair

Goal: wash hair



Have you ever done something that, once finished, you felt fresh, light, and free? Washing my hair today left me feeling those exact things. I am very thankful to my nurse for actually washing my hair out. I was prepared to go it alone, but her assistance was right on time. I am getting my hair braided again tomorrow which, I hope, will once again lift my spirits.


I am usually the woman who has a standing hair appointment every two weeks: wash, condition, flat iron, and eye wax. I do not consider myself high maintenance, but I value keeping my hair looking great. It might be a bit different if I were physically able to curl, heat, or style my hair, but since I am unable, I don’t mind paying to give it the attention it (and I) so deserve. I believe everyone deserves to pamper themselves with something, and for me, it’s my hair.


Like I said, I am getting my hair braided tomorrow. For me, a fresh hair-do equals a fresh beginning. It’s like a new beginning, new possibilities, and all that jazz. I am hoping these new braids will see me through the end of my fixed ordeal. I know I will have months of physical therapy, but my braids will come out when the pins and frame come out. I just needed a fresh set of braids to guide me through this final stretch. Six weeks have been added to my framed sentence and I pray for the day when it is finally over. Here’s to a fresh start!

Twelve weeks and counting...

Goal:  make breakfast

My mind is a little all over the place today so I thought it best to simply do a picture blog today.  I can't believe today marks twelve weeks that I have been fixed to a frame.  Maybe these pictures are a way to remind me how far I've come.

Area view of leg during wound care.

Shariff (Ortho tech) doing pin care.  (Shariff has a great technique.)

 

Dr. Ogawa and assistant changing out strouts on my frame.  (Yes, I am blogging while in the exam room.)

Jaime, me,  and Dameon. Jaime and D applied my very first cast on October 30th, 2009.  I appreciate the comfort and support they show me during my doctor's appointments.